


Tears Dry On Their Own

by ask4more



Category: E.R.
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Established Relationship, F/F, Motherhood, Rehabilitation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-01 06:00:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 33,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4008544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ask4more/pseuds/ask4more
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to my previous fic "Love Is A Losing Game", a personal tragedy unleashes Abby's inner demons and she starts drinking again. Will her relationship with Susan resist the turmoil?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a sequel to my previous fic "Love Is A Losing Game". I guess it'll make more sense to those who read it before.
> 
> It's a Susan/Abby fic (just to be clear).
> 
> In ER timeline it takes place after the final season (15) but you'll realize that "old" characters are still around at County. Simple reason: I'm not a fan of the period between season 12 and season 14 and couldn't care less about the characters that were introduced in between.
> 
> DISCLAIMERS: ER is the intellectual property of Constant C Productions, Amblin Entertainment, and Warner Brothers Television. No copyright infringement is intended.

"My name is Abby and I'm an alcoholic".

She discreetly slid her sweaty palms against her jeans and made sure to avoid direct eye contact with anyone in front of her. They were a group of maybe twenty souls and she knew all their stories by heart. Abby was skeptic about the program effectiveness and most of the mantras irked her. But the acceptance in the room was palpable and today had been the first time she felt the need to open up.

Dozens of eyes watched her curiously as she nodded "I've been sober for 42 days, since I was _invited_ to stay over...", she smirked and the room filled with laughter.

It boosted up her confidence and so she continued.

"Abby, I don't recall you sharing before...", the counselor smiled and gave her an encouraging nod.

Abby fumbled with the hem of her shirt "Yeah... huh, I didn't think I had anything new to say... I mean, we all know why we're here. We screwed up...".

More discreet chuckles echoed around her and she rose her eyes to her audience for the first time since sitting on that chair "I'm terrified I won't get my life back".

* * *

 

 

It was just another day at County with swamped halls, a crowd waiting in chairs and leaking toilets.

Frank handed her a pile of post-its before throwing himself at another donut some drug rep brought in "Your mother called again, she said it was important. Oh, and Dr. Lewis also called and asked you to pick up the dry cleaning. And I'm not your personal assistant!".

Abby looked around, aware that Morris, Weaver and three med students were in the earshot. "Thank you, Frank", she replied before grabbing another chart from the rack.

Kerry Weaver eyed up the board "I read Susan's article in the last Emergency Medicine Journal. Some solid conclusions she got there...".

Abby smiled "Yeah, I'm proud of her. I don't know how she does it... juggling everything". She contemplated calling Susan back but figured she'd still be in class; she decided not to call Maggie until she got home.

Frank glanced at Weaver and retorted between clenched teeth "Wasn't good enough for County...". Weaver dismissed him with a pointed glare and he cleverly went back to his business.

Small talk wasn't Kerry's _forte_ but she liked Abby Lockhart. Ever since Abby and Susan became public about their relationship, she felt herself rooting for them even if her relationship with the blonde doctor was never as easy as the one she had with Abby. She regretted some of her behavior towards Susan in the past - she was a fine physician and a decent person but Kerry felt somewhat threatened by her: Susan had been popular among the staff, could talk to anyone, whereas Kerry never felt she was _loved_ by them. Even if she dismissed it as petty juvenile jealousy on her part, it hurt her that people would still ask Abby how Susan was after all that time.

_After being denied tenure at County because she didn't bring in enough funding and didn't publish enough, Susan was hired at Northwestern Hospital as ER Chief and Associate Professor of Emergency Medicine at University of Chicago._

_Weaver never admitted that Carter's millions were the reason she got passed over at tenure but she couldn't get her to stay even after he renounced his tenure spot when he left for Africa._

_By then, Susan's pride was hurt and she wouldn't have stayed even if Kerry Weaver begged her to. But she wasn't expecting that anyway when she knocked at her office door after her final shift._

_"Do you have a minute, Kerry?", she entered without waiting for a reply._

_Her decision was made._

_Weaver gave her a startled look "Huh, Susan. Sure"._

_Susan let her letter drop on her desk feeling triumphant "This is my two weeks notice"._

_The redhead retreated on her chair, taking a deep breath in "Susan... you know that tenure position is still available..."._

_"Thanks, but no thanks", Susan smirked. "I am handing in my resignation today because, for some time, there were some... difficulties that I wasn't sure of how to address...", she stopped when she realized she didn't know how to phrase what she meant._

_Then she shook her head along with her nerves away "I feel I can't continue as ER chief because I have been romantically involved with someone who's under me. A resident. And... I don't want to hurt their career..."._

_Susan realized she was hiding behind neutral pronouns and that Kerry Weaver still looked oblivious._

_"Abby's a very capable resident and I don't want to ruin her chances of getting an attending position here just because she's with me"._

_The look on Weaver's face as realization hit her was something Susan Lewis would never, ever forget. She guessed it was only second to that time when Carter snuck that strap-on inside her locker._

_Susan felt bad for letting the animosity from way back take over but she deserved that fucking tenure spot in the first place and Weaver knew it._

_"So consider this my resignation, I'll get you all the residents reports by next week and I'll email you the final budget for the next semester", she said, unable to stop a smile from cracking._

_Kerry stood dumbfounded and oddly embarrassed "I...didn't expect this. I see you already made up your mind... Where are you going?"._

_Susan stood and took her stethoscope from around her neck, arranging it carefully into her lab coat pocket "I was offered tenure at Northwestern", she beamed with pride._

_"Congratulations, Susan", Weaver's lips turned into an almost straight line._

_Susan nodded and made her way to the door, stopped when she heard Weaver's voice._

_"You'll be missed, believe it or not"._

_Susan didn't bother to look back._

* * *

 

When Abby got home after picking up the dry cleaning and some groceries, Susan was in the kitchen and the boys were already in bed.

Susan took the groceries from her hands, leaned to kiss her hello but from her somber face, Abby knew right away that something was wrong.

She led her to a chair with a reassuring hand on her back "Sweetie, take a seat".

By then, Abby was already on the edge "What's going on?".

Susan sighed and took her hand, her eyes welled up right away "Your mother called. Something happened... Eric... I'm sorry...".

* * *

 "So my baby brother that I tried to protect my whole life just decided that life wasn't worth it anymore... he took his own life two years ago next spring and something died inside me too...".

Abby's vision blurred and only when she saw the track of her tears on her shirt she realized how much she had been crying. Her nose was running and someone handed her a tissue. She spotted some of the people in the audience wiping at their eyes too and, strangely, she didn't feel so exposed.

"I started drinking on my breaks at work trying to quench the pain away... I'd fill bottles of water with vodka and hid them in my locker... I... I can't keep doing this to my family. I miss my children so much... it hurts... I want to be able to hold them and pick them up from school...", Abby realized she was sobbing but it didn't stop her.

"I want to be there for their graduation... I hope I still have a chance to keep my family together... My partner... I hope she can forgive me...".

Abby smiled when she recalled how excited the boys were in their Skype session the previous night, showing her the goldfish Susan got them. Susan had looked exhausted and she hated herself for being miles away from home, stuck in this fake bubble of protection.

"She brought love and joy to my life and for a year all I did was lying to her...", Abby all but whispered.

Janice cleared her throat and spoke up "Thank you for sharing, Abby " and the room erupted in applause.

When Abby stood she couldn't feel her legs but, to her own surprise, her chest didn't feel so heavy for the first time in weeks.

* * *

 

Abby insisted she was fine. She could see Susan's worried expression in the mirror but decided to ignore it.

The blonde chewed her bottom lip and touched her shoulder "Hey... I'm worried about you going back to work so soon...".

Abby snapped "Stop babysitting me! What do you want me to do? Sit on my ass all day being miserable?!".

Susan looked at her feet and Abby regretted her words immediately but kept getting herself ready.

She stopped on her tracks when she saw Joe at the door looking at her with a trembling lip, Mark hid behind Susan's hip. Abby kneeled down next to Joe "Hey buddy, I'm sorry I was yelling...".

The little boy looked at her with questioning eyes "Are you fighting?".

Abby felt small and swallowed the knot in her throat "No, baby... I'm not fighting with Mom... I was just upset because I'm late for work, that's all. I'm sorry I scared you".

Susan cleared her throat "Okay boys, go pick up your coats" and she smiled at them reassuringly. She didn't turn back but Abby stopped her, hugging her from behind, her forehead resting on her shoulder "I'm sorry... I can't stay at home... I _need_ to get back to work...".

Susan turned in her arms and stroked her cheek "You know you can talk to me... I love you. Talk to me".

Abby nodded but she never did.

* * *

 The first days were actually great because Abby managed to keep busy and would not think about Eric during shifts.

She'd run traumas, check intern orders, mentor med students. Rare slow shifts were spent in the lounge where she would deal with her charts and paperwork.

"Hey there...", Neela smiled before making a beeline for coffee, fixing herself a mug.

Abby didn't raise her eyes from the charts so Neela prodded "How you doing?".

She closed her eyes for a moment, rubbing her forehead as if clearing her own thoughts. She was tired of people tiptoeing around her, asking her how she was. She wanted to tell them to go fuck themselves and leave her alone. But Neela was a friend and she knew she meant well.

"I'm fine... just keeping busy", Abby shrugged.

The indian doctor didn't seem very convinced but didn't pursue it further. She checked her cell phone and both kept quiet until Haleh stormed in "GSW to the head, ETA 3 minutes!".

They grabbed gowns and sterile gloves and went to the ambulance bay, the approaching sirens could be heard above the city buzz.

Neela looked at the overcast sky "I hope it doesn't pour, I took the El...".

Abby didn't answer and gestured at two med students to follow her.

When the paramedics rolled the patient in and she started her assessment, she froze when she saw the patient's disfigured face, blood clots and grey matter pouring out of his ears. He was a thirty something guy, just like Eric.

Her head started spinning around and she couldn't breathe. Abby lost her balance but felt someone catching her before she hit the floor.

When she regained consciousness, Luka was checking her "Pupils equal, round and reactive. Hey, welcome back".

She tried to unhook herself from the wires but he stopped her "You fainted. You're staying here for at least an hour", he said while signing her chart.

Abby shook her head, looking at the monitors "I'm fine, Luka. My sats are fine, it was just low blood pressure. I skipped breakfast...".

"I ordered a CBC and a Chem 7. I'll release you as soon as we get the results, ok?", he cocked an eyebrow and smiled when Abby deflated in frustration.

After Kovac left, Abby had all but five minutes of indisrupted rest before Morris came in with a bottle of champagne under his arm. "Abby, how are you?", he asked looking genuinely worried.

Then he grabbed the bottle and handed it to her "Mr. Portillo, that ankle you reduced? Made me promise I'd give this to you". Abby motioned him to leave it next to her gurney and tried to persuade him to release her.

"My pulse ox is fine, my sats are good, I'm fine...", she whined.

Archie patted her arm "Nice try Abs... I'll see you later".

When her labs came back normal and Luka finally let her go, she grabbed her lab coat, her stethoscope and her bottle of champagne.

Instead of going to the lounge she found herself in the elevator.

On the roof, she uncorked the bottle clumsily and drank from it until she gagged on the bubbly liquid.

Abby only stopped when the didn't feel the chilly air anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

The weeks following Eric's funeral were an absolute nightmare. She had to fire one of her attendings for assaulting a patient, lost most of her work on a study she was leading at the University due to some back up malfunction, Mark had a nasty case of otitis and Abby was stuck in a cloud of sadness and silence that she didn't how to deal with. She expected tears and anger, but Abby never shed a tear.

Whenever Susan tried to show some comfort, Abby seemed to recoil from her touch. She'd be close to her usual self when the boys were around, but every time they were alone she could feel the distance between them.

Her medical knowledge reminded her that Abby's behavior was a classic case of denial in a grieving process but Susan still felt useless. She decided that time and space was the best she could give to her partner but it pained her to find her wandering around the house in the middle of the night.

She'd spend their now rare TV watching sessions looking at Abby instead, her heart breaking at the lack of emotion in her lover's eyes.

More than once, Abby caught her staring "What?".

"Nothing. I just love looking at you", she'd try to lighten up the mood but Abby's face barely responded to her words.

Most days, Abby would get home so tired and only seemed to perk up a little next to Mark and Joe. She now made an habit of reading to them before bed and all three would crash before she reached mid story.

Most nights, Susan would sleep alone in their bed.

She was embarrassed for being so needy but she missed her girl.

* * *

After the bottle incident on the roof, Abby decided that she could indulge herself once in a while.

It was not a big deal if she'd keep it under control. Plus, she actually had a job and a family so there was no way she'd become a pro drunk or something.

The first times she'd only have a drink after work, so she often resorted to that Lava Lounge place where they served supersized cocktails.

She reminisced about the first time she went to that place after Mark Greene died and the ER staff gathered there.

That night, Susan had cried in her shoulder, mourning their friend. Abby was disgusted at herself for not crying for her own brother, but she knew that if she started she'd never stop. She was a mother now so she'd have to keep her shit together. She didn't want to burden Susan, either.

When she left the bar, she stopped at a 24/7 store to buy mouthwash and bottled water. She needed to sober up a little so instead of taking the El back home, she started walking.

After dinner, the exhaustion from work added to the alcohol stupor so once more she volunteered to read to the boys before bed. It would give her an opportunity to crash with them without raising suspicion.

Susan nodded, smiling at her three loves. She hugged the boys close and kissed them goodnight. Then she hooked a finger around Abby's belt loops and their lips met tenderly "You're not leaving me alone in bed again, are you?".

Susan smiled at her suggestively and Abby felt a tinge of guilt. It had been more than three months since the funeral and she couldn't remember the last time they had been intimate. Susan never said anything but Abby knew she wasn't keeping her happy in the bedroom department.

"I'm sorry I've been so tired...", she mumbled against her lips. "Wake me up if I don't?", she suggested.

Making love to Susan was tempting but she felt like her limbs weighted a ton.

Susan held her "I just miss you close to me..." and Abby let her familiar warmth lull her a little. She could feel their breasts brushing against each other and was satisfied that it still woke her senses up.

" _Storytime_!", the boys yelled from their room and they parted chuckling.

She tried to resist her alcohol induced exhaustion but halfway through "How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?", Abby's eyelids were so heavy she had to close them. When she crawled out of the boys' room it was past 3am. Her head pounded so she went to the pharmacy cabinet and took some ibuprofen. Her mouth tasted bad so she brushed her teeth again and went to their bedroom.

Susan had left her bedside lamp on. Abby admired her from afar, guilty to have let her down once again. She even wore that sexy black nightgown Abby loved on her. She closed the door quietly and kneeled on the bed. Susan was beautiful like this and Abby mused about how pathetic she was to resort to the bottle after so many years sober.

She slid her hand up Susan's calf, feeling her smooth legs. It _had_ been a long time and the brief contact made her hot. Susan had lost some weight after the pregnancies and she found her body even more arousing now. Hectic work lives and parenthood did put a brake on their libido but it was always replenishing when they had some well-deserved sexy time.

Susan sighed in her sleep and her eyes slowly fluttered open "Abby?"

Abby came closer and kissed her neck in the spot she knew that would make Susan cave. "I promised I'd be back...", she whispered against her skin, her hands clutching at Susan's ass. Her heartbeat thumped in sync with her head ache and she felt very, very tired.

"It's 3 in the morning... you're crazy...". Despite Susan's words, Abby could feel her lover's hands undressing her, teasing her nipples and fought with her own body to stay awake.

Susan flipped them over and pressed herself against Abby's body, her mouth replacing her fingers at her breasts. Abby purred and moaned as low as she could. She had missed this and wished she was more alert.

Susan trailed kisses from her breasts to her neck and teased her "Am I boring you?".

Abby opened her eyes and shook her head "You were doing just fine...", propped herself up on her elbows to properly kiss her partner which was something they never seemed to have time for nowadays.

The blonde slipped a hand inside her panties and smiled smugly at the wetness her fingers found. The last weeks had been difficult for Abby so she wanted to pleasure her the best she could. Abby shivered under her touch but was unusually passive, Susan figured it was just fatigue and didn't think much of it.

She was in charge of a busy department in an urban hospital but nothing made her feel so empowered like this. One of her early teachers once told her she had perfect hand coordination for a career in surgery but she'd bet Abby could think of a thing or two she did with her fingers that surpassed her medical skills.

She was tired herself so she quickened her ministrations knowing Abby wouldn't last much longer. With three of her fingers inside a squirming Abby, she pressed the heel of her left hand against her clitoris and watched her orgasm under her touch.

"Mmm… That was...", Abby sighed and blacked out right away.

Susan was a little proud of herself but couldn't help but feel disappointed that Abby would leave her all worked up like that.

She switched off her bedside lamp and snuggled into Abby's slumbering form.

* * *

What could have gone so wrong to make him think suicide was the only option?

Abby was furious at him for taking the coward's way out.

She couldn't remember the last time he had a manic episode. He took his lithium and his AED's - Maggie made sure he didn't screw up with his meds and he had been fine, even pranked the kids with his Donald Duck impersonation in their last phone call. The boys loved Uncle Eric.

Last time he was in town, he took them paddle boarding in Lake Michigan and to this day they still talked about their big water adventure. He always had "guy stuff" planned for them when he visited and they relished on it.

She took the phone and dialed Maggie's number who picked up right away "Morning sweetie, I was thinking about you".

Abby smiled and asked her how she was. In the days following Eric's death, Abby was so depressed that she'd purposefully avoid Maggie's calls.

She used to think that Maggie robbed her the close relationship she had with Eric but now that she was a mother herself, she couldn't imagine what the other woman was going through. She'd come to terms with the fact that their disease did bring them closer and now that she had her own family she could sympathize more. Maggie had been truly supportive of her relationship with Susan and, to her surprise, her mother's acceptance was relevant to her own emotional well-being.

"So, I need a favor", she said after Maggie was done gushing over the boys pictures Susan had emailed her the week before.

"I need you to get me Eric's medical records", Abby asked carefully, knowing it was still painful territory for both of them.

"Don't you doctors have access to that kind of thing?", Maggie replied uncomfortably.

"I  _could_  have access but it'll raise too many questions I don't feel like answering", she rejoined honestly.

"Why do you want his records, Abby? He's gone… There's nothing you can do…", she sighed and Abby could hear her crying in the other end of the line.

Abby closed her eyes as she felt her resolve faltering. "I need to _understand_ what the hell was going on to make him put a bullet through his head without saying goodbye or anything!".

Maggie acquiesced and they resumed their conversation for a few more minutes before hanging up.

She now had a permanent weight in her chest that she could only relieve one way. She had the house to herself as she wasn't on until later so she retrieved two miniature liquor bottles she'd hid inside their Xmas decorations box in the storage. The sneakiness disgusted her but she couldn't risk Susan finding out.

Abby didn't fear her judgement. Susan knew about her alcoholism and never once showed sympathy or discomfort. She accepted Abby for what she was, didn't try to fix her or mold her into something she wasn't. But she knew the lying would hurt her deeply, especially when she had been so worried, pleading with Abby to open up to her.

Their relationship was now settled and the trust issues she'd had in past relationships didn't really apply to them. They could talk to each other and most times words weren't needed at all, but for the life of her, Abby just couldn't open her heart about her brother.

Abby contemplated another drink but knew the exact intake her system could handle before a shift. She wasn't stupid to show up at County wasted, she wouldn't risk losing her license.

Settling the bottles back under tinsel, reindeers and Santa hats, Abby felt in control.

She was being rational and knew where her boundaries were. She had her sons, a job she enjoyed and someone decent by her side.

Abby promised herself she wouldn't screw up.


	3. Chapter 3

 

 It was still dawn when Abby's alarm started blaring. Her hand blindly snoozed it, Susan had worked late and she didn't want to wake her. Abby stretched her limbs under the sheets, trying to force her body to get up. Susan rolled and threw an arm around Abby's middle "D'you sleep better?", she mumbled. Abby closed her hand around Susan's and lied "Yeah...".

She sat in bed for a minute with her eyes closed, her head leaning against the headboard. She was having dreams that kept her awake for hours afterwards. Some involved Eric bleeding out, screaming her name. Others involved images of herself as a child, mixed with places she didn't recognize but felt were familiar. Susan had begged her to take something to help her sleep but Abby denied her request. She knew the effect it would have with the alcohol and even if a night of peaceful sleep tempted her, she still refused.

She had slept a total of three hours and shrugged to herself that it was better than none.

In the kitchen, Abby fixed herself a cup of coffee and smiled when she noticed Susan's handwriting in a note she had left next to the coffee pot "Mark's play starts at 3. Don't be late. I love you xx".

When she stepped into County's doors, Abby sighed and fought the urge to run back home. She could spot at least thirty patients waiting in chairs and it wasn't even 8am.

Neela and Dubenko rushed past her to the trauma rooms "Morning Abby!". She dragged herself to the lounge where she changed into her lab coat and was immediately retrieved by residents and med students. She mused about how she missed being a resident herself, when all the tough decisions were made by the attendings.

She pursed her lips, trying to focus on the labs in front of her. Forty something guy in kidney failure. She spoke up "Hydrate him and turf him to Nephrology, it's not an ER case". The two junior doctors nodded but were obviously disappointed she wouldn't let them try something else. She recognized herself in their discouragement but she was the attending now and had a board to clear.

Abby rubbed her forehead hoping to rub away her headache. After casting a shrieking 2 year-old and bearing with his over-protective mother, she went to her locker and took a few generous sips of vodka she had stashed there. She knew the buzz would help her relax so she told Chuny she'd lie down "for ten minutes" in the on-call room.

She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the gurney.

When Chuny came back informing her that her ten minutes had turned into an hour, she jumped in panic "What time is it?!".

The nurse checked her watch "2:35" and Abby cursed herself "Shit, shit. Why didn't you wake me?!".

Chuny cocked an eyebrow "I had patients to check?".

Abby bolted past her and rushed to the admit area "Jerry, where's Luka?".

The desk clerk pointed to the curtain area and she reached him seconds. Abby cleared her throat "Dr. Kovac, do you have a minute?". Luka excused himself and approached her "Yeah?".

"I should be at my kid's school play, can you cover for me? I'll be back in two hours…", she looked up at him with pleading eyes.

He patted her arm and gave her a lop-sided smile "Get the hell out of here".

* * *

Susan checked her phone and texted Abby again "Where are you?!". Joe was getting impatient on her lap and the play was about to start.

"Mommy's late…", Joe stated like he was reading her mind.

Susan smiled at her boy and leaned closer "Yeah, she won't have ice cream for dessert". The little boy chuckled and Susan raised her hand when she noticed a rattled Abby peeking in to check if it was the right room.

She took her purse from the seat she had saved for her and Abby held her hands in defense "I know I'm late… I had a patient crashing just as I was leaving…".

Susan glared at her "You could've texted me back, it takes two seconds".

Joe threw his arms around Abby's neck and proceeded to transfer himself from one mommy to another. Abby held him close "How's my little monkey?".

He chuckled "I'm not a monkey!". She tickled his belly and he shrieked with laughter. Abby told him that he'd have to be quiet now and he nodded and whispered in her ear "Mom is mad at you…".

Susan side eyed them but Abby could see affection in her green eyes. She took Susan's left hand and planted a kiss right above her ring, mouthed  _I'm sorry_   when Susan looked at her.

Mark played Little John in his first grade play based on Robin Hood. He had been excitedly jumping around the house in his tights and boots for the past days and made his mothers promise they'd be there.

Both women watched their eldest in awe. He was a smart kid but somewhat on the shy side, so they were surprised when he proudly announced he'd have one of the main parts in the play.

Abby was mesmerized how the little bundle they had welcomed not so long ago was now this lively boy on the stage. She reminisced about how Susan had pressed her about them having a child together. Abby resisted for a while but ended up agreeing. As soon as Susan started showing, she knew she already loved that life and when they found out it was a boy, Abby was delighted. She had raised her brother and felt comfortable with the idea of having a son. Susan had been rooting for a girl and cried when her OB/GYN told them it was a boy "I so wanted to make the mommy/baby matching outfit thing...", she sighed.

When they got home after her ultrasound, Susan told her she wanted to name their son after Mark Greene and Abby just smiled.

Their son could do a lot worse, he had been a freaking super hero, after all.

* * *

_"New baby?", the patient asked, noticing the bags under her eyes._

_"Yes, a little boy...", Abby nodded while scribbling down her chart notes._

_The middle aged woman looked at her more closely "Shouldn't you be on leave or something?"._

_Abby hated nosy patients but immediately took a liking to this pesky woman. When she released her, the woman handed her a card with her number "I've worked with children all my life. Give me a call if you're interested"._

Corazon was a Puerto Rican who had moved to Chicago in the seventies to join her husband. She was a fervent catholic and felt like crossing herself every time the women kissed each other in front of the boys. But she could see they were a loving family and Corazon had grown fond of them.

The two little boys adored her and she felt very connected to them. They always welcomed her with hugs and kisses and Corazon liked to pretend for a second she was hugging her own grandchildren who lived in Miami and that she only saw once or twice a year.

Dr. Susan was generally more friendly but was always in a hurry. She was always in and out of meetings and Corazon knew she felt guilty for working so much.

Dr. Abby was the quiet one, even more so since her brother passed away a few months ago. Corazon could see the pain in her eyes and took a mental note to pray for her that night.

She could see them by the corner of her eye, Dr. Susan talking softly to her partner, running a hand through Dr. Abby's hair.

They were both pretty and  _doctors_.

Corazon just couldn't understand how they didn't get married to men instead of each other but decided it was none of her business and returned to her chores.

* * *

Abby's obvious depression worried her.

She took a seat next to her and her eyes roamed around the medical files in front of her. Eric's files. She handed Abby a cup of coffee that she silently accepted, her eyes never leaving the report she was reading.

"Anything?", Susan questioned to break the silence.

"Not yet", Abby replied quietly.

After a few minutes of silence, Susan asked matter-of-factly "You know Iris Flint, right?".

Abby's eyes left the paper and looked at her. She knew she worked with Susan at Northwestern. Psych.

"She specializes in grief counselling. I can get us an appointment", Susan said carefully.

Abby remained silent, a scoffing expression on her face.

Susan rested a hand on her arm "Abby... you're depressed. I'm worried".

"You a shrink now?", she coldly quipped back.

Susan winced at the words but didn't let go "I just wished you talked to me...".

Abby sighed and threw the file on the table "What do you want me to say? That I'm sad?! I  _am_ sad, Susan! My brother killed himself for no reason! Give me a break!".

Susan watched as Abby grabbed her coat and her purse and went out of the door.

* * *

Susan jerked in her seat when her phone started blinking on the table. She frowned at the display. It was the boys school and she wondered why they were calling her. Abby surely had picked them up two hours ago. She excused herself to take the call outside.

Mark's teacher wondered if there was any change of arrangements she wasn't aware of. Susan checked her watch to be sure, it was way past the time they were supposed to be picked up. It was always one of them or Corazon, depending on their schedule. Today was Abby's turn and Susan thanked the teacher for calling her.

She called Abby and walked in circles while she waited for her to answer the phone. She tried two times more before calling Corazon and asking her to pick up the boys for her, she couldn't leave in the middle of a board meeting.

Susan wondered if something happened. She called County and asked Jerry if Abby was still around.

"She left a few hours ago" he answered and now Susan was intrigued.

That evening, Abby was making dinner when Susan got home. The taller woman looked annoyed but her expression softened when their sons threw themselves at her . They were already bathed and in their pajamas.

Abby smiled at the picture before her. She loved Susan's smile and she knew she was the reason she didn't see it that often recently.

She had stopped at a bar after her shift and ended up drinking too much, losing track of time. She completely forgot about picking up the kids from school and the guilt now devoured her.

After making sure the kids were again enthralled by the cartoons they were watching, Susan approached her and asked between clenched teeth "Where the hell were you?!".

"I thought it was Corazon's turn... I went to the mall after work and lost track of time...". She didn't dare to face Susan's eyes.

Susan watched Abby fidgeting around in their kitchen and knew she was lying.

* * *

"Morris, why's the bounce-back migraine still in curtain 3?", Weaver yelled. Abby looked at her boss from the corner of her eye and could see she wasn't in a good mood. She assembled her charts and tried to escape discreetly but the redhead called her out "Dr Lockhart, a word, please?".

Abby winced. She knew she was supposed to have handed her the residents evaluations last week.

Kerry gestured her to follow her to the suture room. When she closed the door, Weaver took off her glasses and sighed "I should be closing everyone's evaluations by now".

Abby nodded and quickly replied "I'll hand them to you before the end of my shift".

Weaver nodded but her eyes didn't leave Abby's face "Are you okay? You seem... tired".

"Who  _isn't_ tired around here?", Abby tried to laugh it off. She knew Weaver meant she looked like shit. She didn't bother cover the dark circles under her eyes that morning.

"Henry still keeps me busy, I imagine two boys must be a nightmare", Kerry smiled gently.

Abby chuckled "You should see their room, it looks like a war zone".

Kerry Weaver nodded but her eyes were following the paramedics who rolled in a patient to Trauma 1. She turned back before pushing the door open "You know I'm here if you feel like talking, right?".

Abby nodded and watched her leave. She knew she was shutting people out. She saw how Susan looked at her expecting her to say something. She just _couldn't_. What was she supposed to say? Eric was gone and that was it. She preferred not to talk about it and no one seemed to understand that.

When she left the suture room, she was immediately followed by two med students, Abby told them to report to one of the residents. She really needed to finish her evaluations, so she hid herself in the lounge for the rest of her shift. She told Morris to only call her if it was really necessary and she immersed herself in components of clinical competences.

Two hours later, Abby was pleased with herself. She had finished most of her reports, just needed to brush up her overall assessment of each resident. She eyed up her locker and took advantage of being alone to have a few sips of vodka just to settle herself a little. The alcohol warmed her insides and relieved her of the pain she carried in her heart. She took one last, long sip, threw some mint gum into her mouth and went back to work.

After she left the manila folder in Weaver's office, Abby retrieved her cell phone from her lab coat and called Susan.

"Hey... can you talk?", Abby realized she couldn't remember if she was in class or at the hospital.

"Sure... what's up?", Susan seemed worried and Abby realized she had been a pain in the ass lately.

Abby smiled as an idea crossed her mind "I know I've been a little difficult to deal with lately...".

"Just a  _little_?", Susan quipped in that husky tone Abby loved so much.

She could hear some playfulness in her lover's voice and it encouraged her.

"So, I was thinking, what if I pick up the kids from school and we'll come pick you up and have dinner somewhere nice?", Abby tried.

Susan was completely swamped at the hospital but Abby was making an effort and she couldn't remember the last time she suggested they went somewhere, even if it was just dinner.

"Deal", Susan smiled contently.

"Susan?", Abby added almost like an afterthought "I love you so much... I'm sorry I don't say it more often".

Susan stood in her office smiling at the words she'd never grow tired of hearing.

* * *

She sighed when she finally buckled the boys in the back seat. They were especially hyper and kept talking over each other. Abby could see them in the rear-view mirror and saw how Joe kept throwing his older brother's toys around; their youngest was a little rascal. She turned back and warned them "Boys, stop it... Joe give back Mark's car, right now!".

The youngest boy begrudgingly handed back the toy to his brother and when Abby's eyes returned to the road she saw a dog sitting in the middle of the road. Reflexively, she stamped the brake pedal and swerved, trying to steer the car away from the animal. The SUV's tires hit the curb and she felt the vehicle rolling over before being surrounded by darkness.

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

 

Susan checked her files again. She'd have to finish at home and made sure she had all the data she needed. Her assistant knocked on her door as she logged off her computer "Dr. Lewis? I'm sorry… Your family is in the ER…".

"Do you know any new pizza places? We're going out for dinner", she chirped distractedly unware of Brenda's worried expression.

The other woman cleared her throat "I mean as patients…".

* * *

The sound that would wake her from a coma became increasingly clear. She felt squished and realized she was pressed against the airbag but her focus was on her children. Her doctor brain took over and she was glad they were crying: their airways weren't obstructed.

"Hey, hey… Mommy's here… We're gonna be okay…", she tried to untangle herself from her seatbelt but realized she was stuck. As soon as she freed her arms, she checked her own neck. It hurt but it was just whiplash. Her hand came back bloodied and she realized she must have some gash on her scalp.

She heard Mark crying in the background and spoke up "Tell me where it hurts, baby…".

The boy shook in his sobs and yelped "My leg, there's blood!".

Abby tried to calm herself. It was her only option as she couldn't move.

"Remember how I thought you to keep pressure on wounds? I need you to press hard on the cut, okay baby? Now tell me if Joe is hurt, can you see him?", she tried to keep her tone as calm as possible but she was shaking inside.

"He isn't bleeding…" Mark assessed and Abby sighed in relief.

As if trying to catch her attention, Joe started weeping "My tummy hurts! I want to get out of the car, mommy!".

"You have to sit very still, okay? Mommy's trying to get some help", she tried to keep them calm but more importantly to keep them alert. She knew the complications they could still have from the impact.

Her hands wandered around but she couldn't find her purse. She tried to force the door open but the position the car was in meant all her struggles were in vain.

Someone knocked on the windshield "Are you okay, can you talk?". Abby couldn't see the man but told him to call 911, he said he already had and that he was going to open her door. She felt the car shift a little.

"I'm stuck on my seatbelt, can you help me out?", she shouted.

The man looked unsure "Lady, you shouldn't be moving… It's better if we wait for the ambulance…".

"I'm a doctor, I'm fine. I need to check on my kids!", she tried to rip away the seatbelt that had now cut into the skin between her collarbone and her neck.

The man managed to free her from it and helped her out of the car. She felt a little dizzy and knew she shouldn't be standing up but she wouldn't stop until she got the boys out of the car. She looked around for something to break the window and saw an ambulance approaching.

The paramedics rushed to her side "You were in the car, ma'am?", Abby nodded.

He shook his head at her and called out his partner to get him a C spine collar.

"It's okay, I'm a ER doc…", Abby replied while making sure she kept eye contact with her sons.

"Then you're just plain stupid! Lie down and let us work!", he barked at her and she felt the other paramedic hands leading her to a gurney.

Abby acquiesced, her eyes never leaving the car. She drew a relieved breath when she saw them taking Joe out. He had a few scrapes but nothing major. The paramedics laid him next to her and Abby enmeshed her fingers in her little boy's sandy hair.

"Does your tummy still hurt, sweetie?", she asked as she reached awkwardly for his right side and prodded with her fingers. He winced when she touched his left side and Abby hoped he wouldn't need surgery because it sure felt tender. She checked his vitals and was satisfied with his pulse and pupils.

The EMTs took Mark out and Abby could see his leg was rotated and it upset her to see her son in such agony. "Can you get him something for the pain?", she asked.

The paramedic nodded "After we check him".

Abby was dizzy from the action around her. She hopped on the ambulance and remembered to sit with her back against the driver's seat, like they'd taught her on paramedic ridealongs.

The collar restricted her movements, so she leaned back the best way she could "I work at County, can you take us there?", she tried gently.

"Sorry, doc, Northwestern's closer", he shrugged and Abby sagged in defeat. The ambulance jerked and she grabbed the handles the best she could.

Abby knew the charade was over. If they went to County she could at least try to coax one of her co-workers to  _misplace_  her blood sample.

No one at Northwestern's ER would risk pissing off the chief.

Mark was groggy from the nitro mask and Joe clutched her hand with such a tight grip that she didn't feel her fingers anymore. She smiled at them with optimism but could see the fear in their eyes.

She was supposed to protect them from harm and she'd almost killed them.

The salt of her tears burned her eyes.

Abby never felt more disgusted at herself.

* * *

Susan punched the elevator buttons and decided to take the stairs instead. She could hear people greeting her as she ran past them but Brenda's words echoed in her head. She reached Trauma 1 in record time and pushed the doors open, the rattling sound of monitors and her staff working engulfed her immediately.

She froze at the picture before her: her little boy was being intubated. Her voice faltered in her throat "What's going on? Spencer?". She felt tears prickling her eyes and crouched next to her son. He looked peacefully asleep.

"We sedated him. He needs to go up for an ex lap. Spleen lac", the chief resident spoke gently to let Susan take in the words.

"He's going to be fine, Dr Lewis", she reassured her.

Susan nodded and checked her boy's vitals. He was stable and she took the Sonosite and checked his abdomen. It sure was a spleen laceration and she heard as Spencer presented her the case.

She interrupted the younger doctor with a shake of her head "Thank you, Spencer…". She trusted her staff.

Her eyes wandered and she saw Mark in the adjoined room. She went in and smiled at him, glad that he was conscious.

"Hey sweetie, mom's here... How are you?", she kissed his forehead and he curled his arms around her neck "I think I broke my leg...".

Susan glanced at his dislocated kneecap and smiled "It's just out of place, we'll have to put you to sleep to fix it, okay?". He nodded and Susan gave a nod to the doctors around him and they pushed the morphine in. His green eyes fluttered close in seconds. She made sure they didn't mess with the reduction and ordered an ortho consult and more extensive x-rays.

Susan's eyes searched for Abby. Someone had told her she was fine but she wanted to be sure. A nurse pointed knowingly to one of the exam rooms and Susan found the woman she loved perched on a gurney applying a bag of ice against her forehead.

"There you are...", Susan let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and they met in a desperate embrace.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...", Abby cried repeatedly and the blonde soothed her with her lips whispering calming words against her hair.

They were interrupted by a surgeon peeking in "I'm sorry to interrupt... Susan, I'm taking him upstairs, do you want to observe?".

Susan nodded and he closed the door behind him.

"Joe needs an ex lap for his spleen... I'm gonna make sure they don't take out his liver", she smiled as she leant closer to her partner. Abby chuckled between tears and nodded her agreement.

Susan cupped her face and kissed her gently "I'll be right back... Don't ever to this to me again".

When Joe went into recovery, Susan demanded that a note was put in his chart that he would only be extubated in her presence. She ran her fingers through his hair and thanked whatever higher forces there may be that the three of them were okay.

She couldn't imagine her life without any of them.

Susan went into the private room she'd ordered for Abby and Mark. Both were asleep when she came in and she watched them in content silence for a while.

She reached for Abby's chart and was glad her head CT came back clear.

Her eyes mapped her lab results and she felt a punch in her gut when she noticed her blood alcohol levels, the numbers mocking her naivety.

 


	5. Chapter 5

_Standing in the middle of the room, Abby grinned proudly at her completed task. The walls looked luminous in their new greenish-blue color and she took a deep breath in. She'd always loved the smell of fresh paint._

_Her bangs stuck to her moist forehead and she used her forearm to keep them out of her eyes, reminding herself that she'd have to visit the salon soon to get her ends trimmed._

_Susan emerged from the door with her yoga mat under her arm "Nice job!", she nodded at Abby with an appreciative smile. She stood looking around, her left hand rubbing circles on her growing stomach "I love this color"._

_Abby rested her cheek on her shoulder, her hand joining Susan's on her rounded belly "How was yoga?", she asked before planting a kiss on Susan's shoulder._

_She wrinkled her nose and deadpanned "Couldn't really focus with junior here tapping on my bladder..."._

_Abby chuckled and Susan could feel her rubbing herself smugly against her and she knew what she wanted "Hey missy... you're all sweaty, get off me...", she chastised demurely._

_Abby gave her a sexy wink "Wanna get sweaty with me?" and she proceeded to take a lick at her earlobe and Susan's resolve wavered a little, even though she wasn't feeling her sexiest at 30 weeks pregnant._

_"I have my granny underwear on..."; Susan whined but not really stopping Abby from maneuvering her towards their bedroom._

_"I'm a sucker for granny panties…", Abby gave her a lop-sided smile and gently arranged the pillows for her to lie down more comfortably._

_She tried to resist Abby's advances but her hormones weren't helping. She pulled at the hem of Abby's tank top and watched her back and shoulder muscles flex as she wiggled out of the shirt. Susan loved Abby's back and contemplated rolling over and taking control but her agility wasn't the same in her present state so she just let Abby pepper her skin with kisses and teasing touches._

_S_ _usan sighed, her cheeks already flushed "I look like a beached whale…"._

_Abby chuckled and slipped a hand inside her yoga pants, squeezing between her legs with intent "I'll be the judge of that..." whilst keeping eye contact with her partner. She helped Susan out of her navy shirt and ogled at her enlarged chest, suddenly understanding men's weird fascination with breasts. She loved feeling their texture, their weight in her hands and she traced her tongue along the under curve of Susan left breast, knowing it was one of her weak spots._

_"Damn it, Abby…", Susan hissed and grabbed her lover's hair more forcefully, loving the sensation of Abby's talented tongue on her nipples. Since getting pregnant her body seemed constantly alert and it didn't take much to flare her arousal._

_Abby knew that and kept giving her some of the best orgasms since they got together._ _She knew where this would lead, Abby had that mischievous twinkle in her eye and she could see her trailing kisses down her belly, stopping at her belly button to whisper hello to their unborn son while her hands pulled down her pants and panties in a swift move._

_Susan gasped when she felt the first swipe at her inner tight, she moaned when Abby's tongue contoured her labia and she swore when her lips closed around her clitoris and sucked._

_Abby loved the intimacy of it, the taste, the sexy sounds she could elicit from her. She hooked her arms around each thigh to keep Susan from moving too much, she wanted her available to what she wanted to do to her._ _She wanted her tongue to tell Susan's body what she couldn't find words for: the haunting certainty that there would be nobody else ever again._

_When she felt Susan's pleasure erupting, she replaced her lips with her fingers and came closer to her woman. It fascinated her that she could pleasure her like this so she kept digging her fingers in her moist and their lips met in a sloppy torrid kiss. Abby felt, rather than heard, Susan's moans reverberating in her mouth and she felt tears coming to her eyes when Susan's belly pulsed against her._

_Her hand mapped Susan's skin and she marveled at the feeling of their son so close to them._

_In just a few weeks they would be taking a baby boy home and the prospect both thrilled and terrified her._

_When Susan regained energy to open her eyes and look at her with so much love and complicity, Abby stopped inches from her face and smiled, her hand still on her belly, "I'll do anything for this baby… I promise you"._

* * *

When she woke up and saw Susan's eyes glaring at her, their usual jade-ish green so dark, Abby saw that Susan knew.

She noticed Mark wasn't in the nearby gurney "Where's…" but she was immediately interrupted "He's upstairs". She wasn't used to see no expression in her partner's face and it unsettled her.

"I'm sorry, baby…", she whispered and Susan stood from the nearby bench, braced herself on the gurney rails and exploded in her face "Just shut the fuck up! I don't want to even hear your voice!", she seethed.

Susan pinched the bridge of her nose trying to calm herself. She remembered were she was and regained control of her emotions "You're being discharged in an hour, I'm going to make a few phone calls and we're going home and we're going to talk", she declared.

Abby couldn't control the flow of her tears and just nodded.

* * *

The ride back home was awkward, Susan was clearly driving above the speed limit and Abby kept looking at her hands. She felt unclean in her stained clothes from the day before, her hair was damp from sweat and blood and she felt gross, overall.

Abby knew she was in the doghouse but was upset that Susan made her leave the hospital without seeing the boys "Was Joe extubated yet?", she asked meekly.

Susan didn't feel like chitchatting but knew that Abby was worried about them. "He's fine. He's being released tomorrow and Mark wanted to stay with him. Corazon's there, too".

Abby nodded but was uncomfortable that Susan didn't even ask her anything. It was not how they handled things.

When they got home, Abby felt anxiety rushing through her system. She could use a drink right now.

Susan took an envelope from her purse and threw it on the sofa, she gestured at Abby to sit down. "I don't think there's a point in beating around the bush anymore so let's deal with this", she looked Abby in the eyes.

"I will  _never_ forgive you for driving my kids around while drunk", she stated and Abby's eyes blinked back tears as she listened.

"I'd forgive you the lying, the going behind my back and disappearing for hours doing God knows what… I'm a big girl and I can handle it", Susan ran a hand through her hair and Abby could see her eyes sparkling with tears.

Susan's voice was hoarse and she cleared her throat "You just put an element of doubt in my mind that was never there. You  _promised_ me you'd take care of them, that you would do  _everything_ for them! The thing is, I don't trust you anymore".

Abby felt like a rug was swept from under her feet and chose carefully her next words "They're my sons, too".

Susan couldn't be possibly suggesting what she was thinking.

Susan rested her elbows on her knees and nodded slowly at Abby's words. "I knew you were depressed and that you were in a dark place… I tried to pull you out that darkness… I should have tried harder", she admitted and Abby shook her head.

"No, no… you did all you could, you were so patient with me… I'm the one who messed this up", Abby was trying to make eye contact but Susan's eyes were unusually cold.

"The thing is… If you were a patient at the hospital with the same symptoms and an addiction past it wouldn't take me more than two seconds to put two and two together… But it never even crossed my mind that you were drinking again. I should've caught it and I failed you as a partner", Susan whispered.

Abby started to protest but Susan raised her hand to let her continue "I want to hate you because I am so hurt and angry at you… but I can't… so there it is…", she placed the envelope on the coffee table near them.

"It's voluntary. It's a rehabilitation clinic in Phoenix that specializes in treating medical personnel with addiction".

Abby kept shaking her head at Susan's crazy words "Susan, I'm not going to rehab in the middle of the desert!".

"The chief of staff used to work with me in Scottsdale and he's willing to be very discreet. It's a 90 days program and after that you'll be able to work again...".

Abby interrupted her in shock "Wait, what? You reported me to the board?!".

"Not yet. But I will if I have to. I'll handle things with Kerry, make sure you don't lose any priviledges", she reassured her.

Susan said carefully "I'm not forcing you. It's your call. But if you don't go, I want you to know that I won't pick up the pieces. I won't be your enabler. You'll leave this house and I'll fight you for custody of Joe and Mark. And you know I'll win".

Susan's words felt alien to her own ears. She never imagined she would say them to Abby, the love of her life, her partner, her wife she had  _married_ just last year in Paris. She felt tears rolling down her cheeks and used the side of her hand to wipe them away.

Abby stared into space and asked "Where do  _we_ stand in all this?".

Susan shrugged her shoulders "Honestly, I don't know anything anymore. I am so angry at you it's better if we take some time off...".

She faced Abby again "You'll have to make a decision quickly, the flight's booked for tomorrow morning at 6".

Staring into her empty hands, Abby never felt more powerless. Deep inside she'd known she would get caught, that Susan would eventually find out. It was her problem if she screwed her liver, her health or her career. But not her family. She knew Susan would be a lioness if anything threatened them.

She just never thought she would be the one to jeopardise them in such a sloppy way.

She hated herself for being so weak and knew she might never mend fences with the woman she so deeply loved but she had to try to get better for the sake of their children.

She looked at Susan, the one that was handing her both penitence and absolution, and spoke the only words she could.

"I'll do it".

 


	6. Chapter 6

Abby felt like throwing her trolley against the full-lenght mirror of her suite. It looked like an upscale hotel room - minus the mini-bar-  with white walls, white furniture, everything very zen-like or feng shui or whatever.

She hated it.

Susan was at the window and contemplated the Sonoran desert. She turned around and sighed "So, you're settled. My flight's in two hours, I'm gonna go…".

They faced each other in silence. Since boarding the plane, Susan had been mostly silent, except during their session with Abby's new therapist when she replied to all his questions in an almost professional tone.

Abby wanted to wrap her arms around her and keep Susan with her a little longer but she was scared that she would push her away like earlier. Abby knew Susan feared airplanes and always held her hand during take-offs. When she reached for her hand that morning, Susan flinched away like her hand was on fire.

It was strange not knowing what to do in each other's presence, so Abby just kept her head bowed to hide her tears "Kiss the boys for me...".

"Sure", Susan nodded, took a step towards the door but stopped before grabbing the handle. She swallowed her pride, turned around and held Abby in a brief but heartfelt embrace. When they parted, Abby pressed her lips to hers but Susan couldn't respond, not because she wanted to punish her, but because she was emotionally drained.

The clerk at the check-in called her a cab and she went out to wait for the car. The arizonian sun hit her with such force that she had to gasp for air. She had forgotten how she'd hated living there: the heat, the constant bright blue skies, the sweaty patients, her loneliness. At least she got to see Little Suzy growing up and the memories brought a smile to her face.

She was miserable during the five years she lived in Phoenix so it only made sense that she'd return there in those trying times.

* * *

When Susan arrived from the airport, she expected the house to be silent. Corazon had offered to stay with them as long as Susan needed her and she had taken her offer, humbled by the woman's generosity.

She knew she didn't really approve of their lifestyle but she cared about their family. Susan could see the tenderness in her eyes even when she scolded the boys for not washing their hands before eating, how she always made sure their coats were all buttoned up, how she'd call her in the middle of meetings to tell her off for mixing white linens with tinted shirts in the washer. She was the closest thing to a mother figure she had nowadays.

So Susan expected to see Corazon wandering around the kitchen and not Chloe finishing washing up "Chloe? What you doing here?".

Her sister smiled a sad smile and met her in the middle of the hallway "Hey Susiecakes... come here". Susan always hated the nickname but nestled herself in her sister's arms.

"Where's Suzy?", Susan asked softly and Chloe shrugged her shoulders "Back home moping and hating me for not bringing her along to see her favorite aunt".

Her tone made Susan chuckle "I'm her only aunt" and Chloe smiled "You know what I mean". She threw an arm around her little sister shoulders "I had to come... I'll never forget what you did for me when I was messed up... So…".

Chloe had had her share of screw ups in her lifetime and Susan had picked up her slack all her life. She didn't expect her to come over from New York but that was how Chloe was: crazy, unpredictable, but with her heart in the right place.

Susan just whispered "Thank you".

* * *

She looked at her trembling hands knowing it was from the withdrawal but not quite believing she was having these advanced symptoms of alcoholism. She took another sip at her coffee, the strongest beverage she found at the pristine cafeteria.

"May I?".

Abby looked up and noticed the amused smirk on the curly haired woman's face.

She nodded her consent but kept her eyes on the cup.

"Newbie, huh?", she chuckled and Abby again nodded absentmindedly not really wanting to talk to anyone. The woman offered her hand in a handshake that Abby shook just out of politeness "Jenny from Anaheim. Benzos and opiates", she smiled.

Abby gave her a polite smile "Abby. Chicago. Booze".

Jenny sat with her fingers locked behind her head "So. This is pretty much like high school, you don't want to be the weird kid that eats alone on lunch breaks".

Abby raised an eyebrow at the woman "That makes you what? Homecoming queen?".

The woman laughed heartily at her words "Oh, someone with a backbone! We can be BFF's then, I'll introduce you to all the cool kids", she winked.

She'd hated high school and was hating this place already.

Jenny sensed she was imposing so she stood up and lowered her tone "The dry out's the worst. If you survive the first week, you'll be fine. Just yell if you need anything".

Abby decided to go back to her room, she'd had enough human interaction for now. She felt herself sweating and nauseous and knew it as the withdrawal flaring up.

As soon as she reached her room, she ran to the toilet and kneeled in time before bile reached the back of her throat. She kept dry heaving until she couldn't remain on her knees, so she stretched herself in the tiles, the coldness providing relief to her fever.

She managed to get under the shower head and sat while the water poured on her body. The mist from the water was creating shapes and forms in front of her eyes. She knew she was hallucinating, her head was swirling around and she contemplated calling the on-call nurse and ask for some Ativan but decided against it.

Her body was punishing her and she knew she deserved it.

* * *

Susan took a week off to deal with everything: the boys' recovery, the insurance company who wanted to total Abby's car, Abby's own leave at County, the paperwork from the hospital.

Chloe peeked in, devouring a bowl of microwave popcorn "Want some?".

Susan shook her head and kept typing away at her notebook "Everything okay in there?", she looked at her sister for a second before returning to her excel sheets.

"We're watching Cars", Chloe said like it explained the silence in the house. Susan chuckled "They've seen it so many times they know all the lines by heart".

"They're great kids, Suzie. You've done a good job", Chloe said chewing with her mouth open. Her sister could be disgusting and acted like a teenager but Susan still smiled at her comment "I can't take all the credit on that...".

"You've talked to Abby?", she asked.

"We texted", Susan nodded, pretending to be more invested in her computer screen.

" _Texted_? What are you? Fifteen years old?!" Chloe gave her an unbelieving look and Susan just glared at her sister.

"We're in this weird place, right now...", Susan confided but couldn't face her sister "I don't know if I can forgive her".

"Do you love her?", Chloe asked before licking caramel off of her thumb.

Susan smiled and answered without thinking "She's my life, Chloe".

"God, you're such a lesbo", Chloe deadpanned and Susan slapped her knee and they both laughed quietly for a moment.

"You did the right thing, Susan. She might not see it now but you might've saved her life", Chloe said before retreating back to the boys' room.

Susan wished her sister's words brought some comfort to her heart.

* * *

Outdoor activities and group sessions were greatly encouraged and Abby joined some to blend in, but wasn't really participative. She'd spend most therapy sessions fantasizing about what she would do if she was in Chicago and not in rehab, what Susan was doing, whether the boys were behaving themselves.

She thought a lot about Eric, how he must have hated her when she commited him to that psychiatric facility when his first bipolar symptoms showed up. Abby just wished she'd had the chance to talk to him that day. Life got busy but they always managed to keep in touch at least every two weeks.

Abby always looked forward for what she liked to call  _curfew_ : the period after dinner where patients, or  _guests -_ like they were called there - , could go back to their rooms freely without being called back to meetings.

She closed the door of her room and logged on her computer, her fingers tapping the tabletop impatiently waiting for her internet connection to start.

When she saw her boys on her screen, love warmed her chest and she felt like she was about to cry. "Hey guys..." she said while gulping down her tears.

They babbled over each other, both wanting her undivided attention. Joe was showing her his stitches marks from the ex lap and Abby cooed at his courage, the younger boy smiled triumphantly but then asked "When are you coming back, mommy?".

Abby felt a dull ache in her heart and tried to sound positive "Not yet, sweetie. But when I come back I promise we'll do anything you want, ok?", she negotiated and he seemed satisfied with her response.

Mark looked over his shoulder before whispering directly to the webcam "You have to come back, Mom is so sad all the time. She cries in her room when we're watching tv...".

Abby fought hard with her own tears but managed to speak up "Take good care of her for me, ok?".

As if on cue, Susan and Chloe appeared behind the boys and Abby became tongue-tied. Susan's sister waved at her "Hey Abby, how you holding up?".

Before Abby could answer, Chloe clapped her hands at the boys "Say goodbye and let your mommies talk, okay?". They blew her kisses and Chloe managed to escort them away from the screen view not before unceremoniously nodding at Susan to take their place.

Susan looked unsure but managed a smile "How are you?".

"They say a week here equals a month on the outside...", she shrugged her shoulders and pursed her lips.

"Well, one day at a time, I guess", Susan said and then turned shy. Susan looked pale and bleary-eyed and Abby felt guilty for burdening her like that.

"Are you still having symptoms?" Susan asked. It was easier to stick to the medical talk.

"They made me have some Valium... It's a good drug", Abby smirked. "How are you holding up?", she asked carefully knowing it was almost a taboo subject.

"Chloe's being very helpful, keeps the boys distracted... They're always talking about you, they miss you a lot...", Susan confided and Abby felt pride warming her chest.

"I miss them like crazy... I miss _you_ a lot...", Abby whispered and saw Susan closing her eyes at her words. "I am so sorry for burdening you like that...".

Susan could see she was being upfront but wasn't in the mood for indulging her "Look, I know what you want me to say... But I'm not going to lie just to make you feel better. I don't miss the Abby that was around for most of the past year, the one that kept secrets from me, that was drinking behind my back... that endangered my children... I don't. To be honest, I hated her, she was not the person I fell in love with".

Susan felt a mix of relief and bashfulness at having said those words out loud. She didn't mean to hurt Abby but she couldn't pretend everything was alright because it wasn't. As much as she was thankful for her sister's help, Susan wanted their routine back.

Abby knew she was right and knew she had a long way not only to recovery but to rebuild the trust between them.

After disconnecting the webcam, Susan went back to her room and crawled into bed with all her clothes on. She let herself cry into her pillow like she now always did when she had a moment alone. Her body needed the release.

She grabbed Abby's pillow and inhaled the scent that was unmistakingly Abby's. No matter what she had said earlier, Susan missed Abby in an almost visceral way but she wouldn't be satisfied with her mere physical presence. She wanted the partnership, the love and the passion back.

 


	7. Chapter 7

The therapist propped his chin on his hands and looked at her. Abby hated these individual sessions more than anything, rolled her eyes in frustration when she realized not even ten minutes had passed.

"You don't seem very invested", he smirked.

"I mean, you attend all mandatory sessions, group therapy and all but I don't think you're really using the program to work on your triggers".

She sighed "Look, I'm doing better. I had a rough time drying up but I feel fine, now. I've done the program before, I know what I have to do", she reassured him.

"Tell me about that day you decided to start drinking again", he asked softly.

Abby fidgeted in her chair, she hated being the patient. She checked again the clock above his head and realized she had much more to endure. "I didn't decide  _anything_. I'd had a tough day at work and a patient got me champagne".

He looked amused and she shrugged "Sometimes patients like to give back... I knew I shouldn't be drinking but I let myself cross that line...".

"What did you feel?", he scribbled down notes and looked at her when she didn't say anything.

"Nothing, really. But it was good emptiness. I was so full of... sadness and anger. It was good to just let the rush take over", Abby confided shamefully.

"You were upset because of what happened to your brother", he said rather than asked.

Abby nodded and felt a knot forming in her throat "We were close...".

"What else are you angry at? Your partner?".

Abby looked like a deer caught in the headlights and shrugged her shoulders "Sometimes, yeah. But she did what she had to do to keep our kids safe, I _know_ that...".

" _But_?".

"But I wish I'd had a say in my own treatment!", she humphed.

He looked at her closely "Do you think you were in a position to make a better choice?".

Abby acquiesced and shook her head "Probably not".

She thought to herself how much she hated when Susan was right.

How, in the past, she'd give her that sly smile that would drive her crazy and would often end with them working on their differences _naked_.

Abby woke up from her inappropriate daydreaming as the words hit her.

"Are you angry at your brother?".

The therapist's voice grated on her nerves.

"You bet I'm angry at him! I was there for him my whole life and he does something stupid like that without a word!", Abby felt a headache starting to grow inside her skull.

"I'm sure he didn't want you to feel that way. Suicidal personalities often resort to death as the only way to get away from themselves".

Abby nodded but kept her eyes on her feet.

"It's okay to cry, Abby".

* * *

Diane Spencer watched her boss discreetly. She was normally joyous but now had a permanent weariness in her face. Rumor had it that she and her partner had a huge fight in the family room the day she crashed her car, drunk, with their kids in it. Apparently, it involved slapping, yelling and scratching.

Diane couldn't really picture her chief in such a scene, she was always so together and in control of herself.

Susan rose her eyes from her chart and noticed the younger woman's eyes on her "Can I help you, Diane?".

Spencer cleared her throat and shook her head. Susan returned to her notes and proceeded to erase a name from the board. She had one more hour to go and things seemed under control which meant she'd have dinner with the boys at decent hours.

Since Chloe returned to NY, Susan'd had a hard time rearranging her routine around their school schedule. If it wasn't for Corazon's help, Susan would be lost. She made a point to have breakfast and dinner with them but the in-betweens were crazy with all the shifts, classes and meetings she had to attend.

She was exhausted and felt like she harbored a ticking time bomb inside herself. She caught herself being curt with her staff and abrupt with her sons for no reason. She resented Abby for being away but then reminded herself that she was the one who sent her to Phoenix in the first place.

* * *

_Susan sneaked into the bed slowly feeling refreshed from her shower. She hated working the graveyard shift as it made her feel she'd miss most of the following day and even if she was the chief she had to now and then assign herself one of those. She had to set the tone._

_Abby slept peacefully and Susan spooned her just to settle herself a little. She buried her face in her lover's hair, loving the scent of her shampoo and let her hands wander on her side and soft skin of her stomach. She knew she'd wake her up but by now her own senses were on full alert and she just couldn't sleep. Abby shifted and moaned when Susan palmed her breast under her shirt, it encouraged her and she kissed her neck gently._

_She felt Abby's arm curling around her neck, keeping her close and she smiled when Abby opened her eyes and hummed against her touch "I love waking up like this...". Susan kissed her softly, wanting to savor the moment. Abby's fingernails traced lazy patterns on her back and she felt her thigh pressing against the center of her body making her squirm at the contact._

_Don't start a fire you can't put out..." Susan whispered against her lips. Abby responded by hooking her legs around Susan's hips and letting her teeth scrape against her tongue just to tease her a little more..._

Susan jerked, disoriented.

She was flushed, her breathing was ragged and she reached for the bedside lamp.

Susan sagged at the sight of Abby's untouched side.

It had only been a dream.

* * *

Jenny chuckled as she sprayed sun block on her forearms and shoulders "This place's costing me a small fortune, there's no way I'm leaving without a decent tan".

Abby rolled her jeans up and sat with her back against the wall. Even in the shade it was searing hot and she never craved a beer so bad in her life.

They were playing hooky on one of the group's sessions and exhilarated on the minor infraction.

"What if they see us here?", Abby wondered. She knew it was voluntary but she also knew they'd keep her on a shorter leash if she didn't cooperate.

Jenny waved her hand dismissively "Forget them. You'd better wear shorts next time, you don't want to be covered in weird tanlines when your husband sees you again".

Abby smirked but said nothing. Jenna looked at her expectantly "The ring's kind of a tip-off. What does he do?", she asked mostly to make small talk. Abby had checked in a few weeks ago and Jenny realized that apart that she was from Chicago and had two boys, she didn't know anything else about her.

Abby played with her ring " _She's_ a doctor, too". It was awkward introducing the subject to new people, not because it ashamed her, but because people always expected her to tell astonishing coming out stories and their story was just the story of two friends who fell in love with each other.

She could see Jenny didn't see it coming "Really?", she gasped.

She nodded and kept playing with her wedding ring "Yeah,  _really_. Her name is Susan", she smiled and then turned quiet again.

"So, I take Susan's pissed at you?", Jenny prodded.

"You could say that". Then she added with a lopsided smile "Why else would she send me away to this hell hole?".

Jenny chuckled and made eye contact with the other woman "Well, I think Susan really wants you to get your shit together". Then she propped her sunglasses on her nose again and sighed "I dated a woman once, too".

Abby looked amused "How'd that went for you?".

Jenny looked deep in thought "Well, we drove each other crazy. Too many estrogen, I guess? _Great_ sex, though". Then she shook her head "She was married and I was constantly high at the time, so I guess it was doomed".

Abby smiled in sympathy "I'm sorry about that" and they both became quiet again until Jenny retreated to the shadow and sat next to Abby.

"You ever been with men?", she asked out of the blue.

Abby let out a chuckle "I've been in so many jinxed relationships with men, you don't really want to know".

Howie, Richard, Luka, Carter. They were all great guys and yet none of those relationships had truly fulfilled her.

Jenny smiled "I get it, she's the  _one_ ".

Abby nodded "Yeah, I think she really is".

The other woman eyed her "Don't you miss it? Sweaty, vigorous sex with men, I mean?".

Abby felt silly for having this kind of conversation, but the lightness of it felt good. "I never had to fake it with her", she said smugly. Then she decided to indulge Jenny "Not bad to be with someone who actually knows what to do with their hands and mouth...".

Jenny bobbed her head back in laughter and Abby shook her head "I'm sorry, too much information!".

"No, no, no! I haven't had  _any_  in a ridiculous amount of time, I'm loving this!", Jenny smiled with all her teeth.

Abby nodded "Yeah, I feel ya". She reminded herself that the last time they had made love, she'd been drunk and didn't really remember much of it.

She promised herself that she'd do anything to have Susan back in her arms.

* * *

Susan fumed at Mark "Go to your room and no TV until I tell you otherwise!".

She watched as the older boy reluctantly went into his room and started to make a PJ sandwich for Joe. On top of another shitty day at the hospital, Mark's teacher called her in for an "emergency meeting". Apparently he had been acting out for the past days and today he had been involved in a punch fight with another kid. 

Susan felt she was losing it but knew she had to keep herself together for the sake of their family. When her phone rang, she wasn't expecting Abby's name on the display. She took the call "Abby?".

"I just saw that email from Mrs. Gilbert. Can I speak to him?", Abby asked softly.

"Of course, just give me a sec", Susan took the phone to their boys' room, Mark sat in his bed with his face propped against his knees. His eyes lightened up when Susan told him it was Abby and she left the room to give them some privacy.

Abby smiled "Hey buddy, how are you?".

The little boy sensed she knew he was in trouble and answered timidly "I'm fine...".

"I heard you were in some kind of fight today, what happened?", she asked softly to see if he'd open up.

"Carl Simmons is a  _douche_ ", he mumbled and Abby chuckled silently "What did he do to you? You know you're not supposed to fight".

"He was saying nasty things about you and mom...", the boy whispered and Abby closed her eyes. Every now and then some kid would say something like that.

"Well, we've talked about this before, it's not the first time it happens. Why punch him in the face?", Abby tried to keep the conversation in a light tone.

"I don't know, he just pissed me off...".

Abby realized he wasn't going to touch the subject so she ventured "Look, I know you're upset... but I'm doing all I can to go home soon...".

The boy interrupted her "Are you getting a divorce?".

Abby froze at the words and wondered where he'd heard them "Where did you hear that?".

"Mike's dad also moved away and then his parents got divorced...", the boy said softly.

Abby felt how much her absence was affecting her kids and she hated herself once more for putting them through all this.

"Mark, I'm being completely honest with you here. I _don't_ know. I hope not, I'm doing all I can to make things right. I'm better now...". She felt a tear rolling down her cheek and wiped it away.

"But why did you have to go to Phoenix to get better? I've seen it in the map, it's in the desert! Mom's a doctor and so are you!", he replied exasperated.

Abby had to laugh at his astuteness and answered the best way she could "Remember when Uncle Eric died? I was so, so sad... That sadness made me do things I didn't mean to... This place I'm in is like a hospital for people who are very, very sad... And I have to stay here until I'm sure I'm okay ". She wasn't making much sense but she didn't know of a better way to explain him.

She took a deep breath in and smiled "Now, I don't want to hear about more fights at school, ok? I love you. Let me talk to Mom".

Abby wanted to check how Susan was. "How bad is it?", she asked when she picked up the phone.

Susan sighed "He got himself his first black-eye. The other kid's front teeth went missing...".

Abby chuckled quietly "He has my temper, I'm afraid. I'd probably have punched the kid too".

Susan laughed with gusto at Abby's remark and let out words she didn't mean to "God, it's so good to hear your voice...".

 


	8. Chapter 8

Susan soothed Joe as she waited for the water to reach a tepid temperature. He had woken up crying after wetting his bed once again and Susan just couldn't handle it anymore. Exhausted at 2am, with her 5 year old in the shower, she cried until the water turned cold.

The little boy watched her timidly as she towel-dried his hair and she kissed his forehead gently "I'm sorry, honey… I'm not angry at you… it's not a big deal… you can sleep in my bed, ok?".

Joe flashed her a relieved smile and hugged her tightly, she perched him on her hip and as soon as they climbed into bed, he snuggled close to her, his eyes closing almost immediately.

Susan realized it wasn't the first time she was left alone with a kid.

It felt like a lifetime ago, but she reminisced about how she had managed to finish her residency and raise Little Suzie while Chloe was AWOL. She recalled how exhausting those times were but how happy she was, just her and the little girl she came to love as her own.

She also recalled how she resented her sister for years for taking Suzie away from her and how wrong it all went from there. How she broke Mark Greene's heart at Union Station and how she cried all the way to Phoenix because the love she felt for that child was more important than anything else. How she followed her sister around for years, being miserable, but taking it like a champ because it was worth it just to see her niece growing up.

She lost count of how many times Chloe relapsed and how she'd always been there like a safety net. She prayed to a god she didn't believe in that her partner would get herself together. She couldn't do rehab for Abby, but she wouldn't let her become Chloe.

Susan knew she  _would_ be there for Mark and Joe no matter what. Even if Abby and she parted ways, she knew she would find the strength because as much as she needed Abby, her sons needed her more. The prospect of a life without the woman she loved terrified her, but Susan had to weight all her options.

She looked at her son, dozing peacefully against her chest and recalled the words she'd once said to a dying patient, so many years ago, back at County.

" _Nothing is certain. Nothing that seems very bad and nothing that seems very good. Nothing is certain. Nothing"._

* * *

Susan knocked lightly on the door and peeked in "I'm sorry, is Kerry in yet?".

The young man eyed her suspiciously "Do you have an appointment?".

Susan wrinkled her nose "Not really. I used to work here…", she looked around, trying to find a familiar face.

He seemed to acknowledge she wasn't a threat and confided "Dr. Weaver's down in the ER for the day".

"Oh, okay. Thank you!", she smiled and took the elevator to the first floor. She had decided to get Joe a pediatrician's visit because of the bed-wetting; she could've asked someone at Northwestern to check him, but it made no sense to not go see his own pediatrician. She knew it was nocturnal enuresis caused from the stress of Abby's absence, but she wanted to be sure everything was physically okay with him.

She'd been right about the diagnosis and after the consult the little boy had begged her to take him to County's Daycare. Susan made it clear to him that his other mommy wouldn't be there, but he still wanted to go and she indulged him.

As soon as she reached the ER, Susan was overcome by nostalgia. She knew it was her fatigue talking when the place didn't look as dingy as usual.

She spotted Randi at the desk and smiled at the exuberant woman "Hey Randi!". The clerk left the nurse's station and hugged her effusively "Dr. Lewis! Long time no see! I love your hair!", she smiled and then raised an eyebrow "What you doing here?".

Susan whispered out loud "Is Weaver around?".

Randi nodded "Oh, yeah…" and pointed to Curtain 1 where the redhead was chastising two residents. She looked furious and didn't see Susan when she reached the chart rack "Randi, why is this chart still here?".

The desk clerk shrugged "Dr. Morris said he would take it… like an hour ago. Don't shoot the messenger!", she raised her palms in defense.

Kerry Weaver noticed Susan's smirk and her face mellowed "Susan? What are you doing here?".

"Joe had an appointment upstairs, he begged me to let him stay in Daycare for a while. I was hoping I could buy you lunch?", she smiled.

Weaver looked at her watch and nodded cautiously "Okay… Just let me get my purse".

They sat at Ike's and Susan chuckled at the other woman's reserve "Don't look so alarmed, I just wanted to thank you about how you handled Abby's situation… We both appreciate it", she nodded.

Kerry smiled as she flagged down a waitress "I'm glad she's getting help, I need her back in the ER. How is she?".

"She says she's doing fine", Susan shrugged. "Her therapist says she can be obstinate and questions the program a lot…", she added with a chuckle.

"That sounds just like Abby", Weaver said with a lopsided smile.

The waiter took their orders and Weaver observed Susan over the rims of her glasses "You look like hell, Susan", she smiled in sympathy.

Susan pursed her lips " _Thanks_ … I'm doing my best to not lose my shit at the hospital, at school, at home… I'm sorry, I just had a rough night", she shook her head and turned quiet.

"How are the kids taking it?".

Susan rubbed her temple "They miss her. Mark's been acting out at school, Joe started bed-wetting again…".

"You should take some time off", Kerry suggested carefully.

When Susan looked at her like she was crazy, Kerry lowered her voice "I know you miss her. And that you're angry at her for putting you in this position… I'm sure Abby's pretty angry at herself, too. But you have a beautiful family together. Don't let that anger blind you".

"I'm being a wimp. She's been away for 6 weeks...", Susan mused.

"It's a lot to handle. But you can do it. I've seen you carry through the day before", Weaver said with a knowing smirk.

"I was younger! And have you seen the budget cuts for next year?", Susan added as an afterthought.

Weaver sighed "Tell me about it".

They ate quietly and Susan thought to herself how odd it was that she was having this kind of conversation with Kerry Weaver, her nemesis back in her resident days. Kerry noticed the smile on her lips and gave her a questioning look "What?".

Susan shook her head "Nothing. So, enough about me. How are you? How's Courtney?". The redhead felt herself blush a little and realized that she missed having someone she could talk to about anything. She hadn't many friends left at County and with Abby away, she really didn't have anyone else she could relate to. They had butted heads a lot in the past, but Susan had that friendly way about her that made people open up.

"Well, we're doing the long distance thing... but I'm considering moving to Florida", Kerry said timidly.

Susan mouth was agape "Whoa, really? Good for you!". Then she shook her head "I can't imagine County without you".

Kerry teased "Wanna take my job? Come on, you know you'd love to".

Susan laughed out loud and grimaced "Nah, they say you shouldn't go back to the place where you were happy once...".

Weaver cocked an eyebrow at her "But you did return, didn't you?".

Susan looked through the window and could see ambulances, gurneys, doctors and nurses scurrying around.

In that same ambulance bay, so many years ago, in the middle of an unusual dead shift, Susan realized she was in love with Abby.

She looked at Kerry and smiled "I'm glad I did come back".

* * *

Therapy sessions, group meetings, outdoor activities. Abby felt like a kid in some strange summer camp and the constant heat made her slow and depressed. She had too much free time on her hands and little power to actually do something.

She was so sick of therapy and talking about her feelings to strangers. She wanted to take Mark and Joe to Millennium Park after school and watch bad reality shows with Susan's fingers entangled in her hair.

Abby wasn't in her best mood so she'd decided to stay in her room. Sorting out her emails, Abby frowned at their latest account balance. Susan'd used a substantial part of their savings to pay for her treatment and car repair. It was money they were saving for a down payment for a bigger house they hoped to buy in the near future and Abby deflated in remorse.

She clicked on the most recent email Susan'd send her. The change of behavior of her sons worried her and she didn't know what to say to Susan. She was holding up the forte back home while she sat her ass all day in some fancy rehab center and it all felt so wrong.

Abby reminded herself how many times she held back tears as a kid every time Eric asked her where Maggie was. She pictured herself - what age was she, eleven, twelve years-old? - faking Maggie's signature on Eric's school reports so that no one suspected they were alone at home when their mother disappeared for weeks at a time. She felt tears in her eyes as she realized she was doing the same to her own children.

The realization dawned on her: she had turned into Maggie.

Abby was ashamed not only in herself but at the words she'd hurled at her mother throughout the years. There she was, the  _righteous_ Abby, who criticized Maggie every time she could for doing a crap job at being a mother, in a rehabilitation clinic miles away from home, from her partner, from their children.

The harsh reality shocked her, but Abby refused to feel sorry for herself.

Maggie had been alone with her disease and two kids to raise. She had someone that she hoped would still take her back. Susan would always be there for their boys, she knew that. The certainty gave her a strength she didn't know she had.

Slowly, she started to accept that some things held more power than she imagined. Like her addiction. She had been a fool, thinking she could drink casually without consequences. In the blinding whiteness of the room, Abby vowed to herself she would never touch a drop of alcohol again.

Abby also realized that there were many things in life she couldn't control . Like her brother's actions.

She stood from the chair and left her room. As she wandered down the halls, reaching the auditorium that was already full for the 5pm session, Abby felt anxiety suffocating her.

She had to regain control of her life so she took the chair in the middle of the circle that she hadn't dared to sit in since checking in.

When everyone was seated and the counselor gave her a nod signalling that she could start, Abby said the words as confidently as she could.

"My name is Abby and I'm an alcoholic".

* * *

After the meeting ended, Jenny approached Abby with a coffee cup that smelled particularly good "Well done", she winked.

Abby rolled her eyes while savoring her coffee "Was it too mushy?".

Jenny shook her head smiling "You did great. Now go call Susan", she added before leaving her to speak to someone else.

Abby went out and sat on one of the chairs available. She admired the view of the desert for a while before reaching for her phone.

Susan picked up and Abby thought to herself how much she loved her voice. Then she decided she would actually say what she meant for a change.

"Have I told you lately how much I love your voice?", she smiled.

Susan was taken aback by the words but couldn't help affection showing up in her tone "Not really...".

Abby nodded "Well, I  _do_. It was one of the first clues that I was already heads over heels with you, when I'd think of excuses to call you just to hear your voice".

Susan dropped her pen on her desk and closed her eyes for a moment. It had been so long since they had this kind of flowing conversation, she seemed to have forgotten how to flirt back. "Huh... I didn't know that".

"I never told you. I also never told you that I used to call your voicemail when I knew you were working just so I could hear your voice".

Abby felt herself blushing and she knew it wasn't the warm weather.

"That's kind of  _stalkerish_ ", Susan teased. She had missed the easy banter. She was afraid of lowering her guard, but when Abby was like this, she was putty in her hands.

Abby chuckled "I know, but I wanted you to know anyway. How's your day going so far?".

"It just turned better", she smiled gently.

Abby sighed lovingly "Okay, I'm going to let you go back to work. I love you...".

Susan nodded, hopeless against the strength of what she felt for the other woman "I know. I love you too".

Staring at the static view of the desert in front of her, Abby decided she would do whatever it took to have her life back.


	9. Chapter 9

 

 

 

When Steve Rowland called, Susan was busy staring at her cramped desk thinking that she'd have to  _do_  something about it. Steve was one of the Psych attendings she'd worked with at Scottsdale Medical Center. He'd helped her with Chloe, back in the day, and she'd heard he was now running a trendy rehab facility, so when she was faced with Abby's drinking, he was the first person she called.

Steve liked Susan Lewis. He remembered how people used to make fun of her accent, how she always seemed rattled and a little on the depressed side, but always cracked the best jokes. Steve liked a woman with a sense of humor and even asked her out a few times which she'd awkwardly declined saying she wasn't in the right place for dating. He mused that the fact that he was now treating her  _female_  partner explained a lot but he wasn't one to judge.

"I'm always nervous when you call", Susan said before saying hello. Steve chuckled "I know I have that effect on women". They exchanged pleasantries before he started to update Susan on Abby's progress. "I don't know what happened in the last days but her attitude changed dramatically. She's more engaged, actually  _participates_ in group therapy. She's really making an effort, Susan. I'm optimistic".

Susan was reassured but didn't dare to hope too much. She did feel Abby was acting different, seemed less self-centered and they'd had hour long conversations over the phone in the past days.

Steve continued "So, when our patients reach the last month of their in-patient treatment, we like to ask the family to step in a little more. It helps with easing back into everyday routine when they go back home".

Susan nodded but didn't really understand how he wanted her to step-in "Sure… What can I do?".

"We encourage spouses and children to spend a weekend here with the patient. It's important so that they understand what kind of work we do here, the progresses that were made… Are you up for it?".

Susan was unsure "Have you talked to Abby about this?".

"Not yet".

Now that she'd let the anger dissolve, the thought of being with Abby excited her more than she cared to admit. But she was still apprehensive about how things would be from now on, she couldn't forget what happened and she was afraid that seeing Abby and having to leave her again would be too much for the boys to handle.

"I don't know if I want to bring my kids…", she confided.

"We have great facilities for families. But I feel that's not what you mean…", he offered gently.

"It's just… Mark's actually counting down the days until she comes home. I don't want them to be all excited and then having to drag them back in tears…", she replied honestly.

"You want to avoid extra separation anxiety", he stated.

"Exactly. But I could go. If you feel like it would be important…". Susan was already nervous at the prospect.

"So, see you next Saturday? Come on, it's going to be fun", he chuckled quietly.

"Count me in", she smiled.

* * *

As soon as she disconnected the call, Susan stood up to get herself a glass of water. She knew how important this weekend would be for them to reconnect. Sure, they had talked a lot in the past days but it was easy to hide behind a computer screen or a long distance phone call. What if they didn't know what to say to each other? What if they couldn't find that spark they used to have?

As a spouse, Susan had her doubts but would have to do her best and  _wing it_. As a mother, she wouldn't expose them to more tension, so they would stay in Chicago.

It was only fair that she'd be the one to tell Abby so she grabbed her cell phone and waited for her to pick up.

"I was just texting you…", Abby's voice dropped an octave like it always did when she was shy about something.

Susan smiled inwardly but made herself go straight to the point "So, I just got a call from Steve".

Abby chuckled quietly "Should I be worried?".

"He says you're doing great. And he asked me how I feel about coming over and staying the weekend with you", Susan almost blurted the words.

Abby wasn't expecting this. Sure, she had seen family members around but didn't expect to get a visit until later on. "Oh, that would be… I would love to have you guys here". The thought of seeing them in the flesh was a little overwhelming, if she was honest.

Susan had to be forward about how she stood "Yeah, about  _that_. I don't want the boys to come. Huh, I'm not trying to punish you or anything… I just don't think it would be good for them, right now". She winced at her own words and Abby couldn't hide the disappointment in her tone "Oh. I see".

"Look, if you don't want me to come, I understand. I just… it's been so hard for them. I don't want to upset them even more by having to say goodbye to you again". Susan felt like crap.

Abby knew it was impossible but she felt her heart clenching at the thought of having to wait almost another month until she could hold them again.

But she knew Susan was right.  _Again_. Her absence had affected them greatly and it was just selfish to demand their presence now. She acquiesced "You're right… Are you coming over?".

Susan questioned gently "Do you want me to?". She wasn't playing difficult she just wanted them to be on the same page about this. If Abby wasn't ready, she wouldn't push it either.

"Of course I  _do_ ", Abby blurted out and both turned quiet.

"I'm nervous about this, Abby. I want to do the right thing but I have no idea of what I'm doing…". She had kept a strong front at home and at work but she just couldn't do it anymore. She knew rehab was just the start to Abby's recovery, there would be other hurdles in the way and she was scared as shit.

Abby felt Susan was extending an olive branch and took it "We'll figure it out. Together".

* * *

Days went by painfully slow so when the weekend arrived, Abby thought she might have a panic attack. Jenny smirked at her flightiness "Get a grip, woman! She'll be here in a minute".

Abby nodded and fidgeted in her seat. She was starting to feel self-conscious about everything. She'd dyed her hair the day before because her roots were showing but she wasn't loving the new color. Jenny had cajoled her into some caramel brown and Abby didn't recognize herself in the mirror after so many years with her natural color.

She hadn't a lot of choice in clothes either so she chose a white top and her best pair of jeans… who was she fooling? She chose the jeans that fitted better around her ass. She reprimanded herself as she could've  _at least_  brought some new underwear. Abby felt ridiculous. Even if they had been on more friendly terms lately, Susan was still hurt and wouldn't probably want them to go  _that_  way so soon. Abby thought it was a shame but reminded herself that she should enjoy every minute they'd have together.

She chose a seat that overlooked the parking lot and forced herself to look at the TV. It was on the news and she tried to pay attention on what was happening outside her little world but her focus would dissolve at each new car arriving.

Abby jerked when she recognized the familiar silhouette. Stepping out of a rental car, Susan looked around oblivious of Abby's eyes. She wore a flowing red dress she didn't recognize, sandals and aviators sunglasses and, to Abby, she never looked more beautiful.

Nerves took over and she decided she couldn't wait there anymore. Abby ran towards the check-in area, bumping into people in the process but not really stopping until Susan was only inches away from her. They stared at each other for a moment before meeting in a silent embrace that lingered on until Abby pulled back to make sure Susan was  _really_  there. Her green eyes twinkled and she smiled that smile that could light up all of Arizona "I love your hair…".

Abby enmeshed her fingers through Susan's hair, let them curl behind her neck and pulled Susan against her lips. She should've waited until they were in a more reserved place but,  _what the hell_ , Abby had missed her so much she just didn't care to wait any longer.

The moment Susan's lips and tongue responded, Abby felt truly alive for the first time in weeks. She forced herself to stop, as she didn't want to put on a show for everyone at the facility, but it was so hard to pull away from Susan's smooth lips.

They parted and looked at each other with complicity in their eyes, until Abby took Susan's hand and led her inside. People nodded and smiled at Abby and Susan lowered her voice "You're not going to introduce me to your friends?".

Abby smirked "I don't like them that much. Just let me show you off a little…". Susan shook her head and smiled back at people as Abby led her to a terrace and they sat outside in the shade on some colorful plush chairs.

Susan was fixated on Abby, she didn't know if it was the new hair color or the relaxed atmosphere around them but she just couldn't keep her eyes off of her "You look so beautiful, all tan like that…".

Abby snuggled closer to Susan, burying her nose against her neck "The boys?".

Susan sighed "Oh, you don't wanna know… They threw a fit as I was leaving, I was in tears all the way to O'Hare... Corazon really deserves a raise".

Abby took a strand of hair out of Susan's eye "I'm so sorry for loading you like that…". She leaned to kiss her but Susan sat back against her chair, all the closeness was making her dizzy. She had spent so many nights alone in their bed and now she almost felt clumsy. It seemed unreal that they were  _finally_  together. Susan nodded wistfully "It's been a challenging time… for all of us. But I'm glad that you came here and that you're taking this seriously… I know I kind of made it hard for you  _not_  to come but I didn't know what else to do…". She tried not to think too much about that day at the hospital, it still angered her.

Abby nodded and before she could answer, Jenny approached them with a sly smile "You must be Susan? Jenny Sanders. It's great to finally put a face to the name ".

Susan nodded politely "Nice to meet you... I hope she wasn't too much trouble", her eyes averting to Abby. She had never heard of this person that seemed so at ease with her.

Jenny chuckled out loud "She's been a real  _dream_! I'm gonna leave you two alone, just wanted to say hi", she winked at Abby.

Susan's eyes followed the younger woman "She's  _friendly_ ".

Abby nodded "Yeah, she's fun to hang out with".

Susan looked at Abby with a raised eyebrow "And she's pretty".

Abby gave her a patronizing look and quipped "You're not jealous, are you?".

"A  _little_ , yeah. You never mentioned her".

Susan was  _technically_ right.  _Were they fighting?_  Abby shook her head "You're here with me, I don't want to fight". Then she added with a smirk "Plus, she's not my type".

Susan's brows went into her hairline "You have a  _type_ , now?".

"You bet. Blonde hair, green eyes, dashing smile...", she whispered and planted a kiss on her shoulder.

Susan liked when Abby was sappy and silly. It made her heart flutter a little and she let herself savor the moment.

* * *

Abby rolled her eyes at the flowing conversation in front of her. Rowland seemed a little too excited and Susan laughed at his jokes. She cleared her throat and he regained his composure "So, let's get back to work. Abby, what are you afraid of?".

She avoided the urge to deadpan and spoke softly "Almost everything. That I'll relapse, that my kids will hate me, that you'll leave me...", she said looking directly at Susan's eyes.

Susan was surprised with how easily she spoke, verbal communication was never her strongest suit. Steve gave her a nod "And you, Susan?".

"The same... I'm afraid I won't be able to look past what happened... I want to, I'm working on it", Susan took Abby's hand and held it.

Steve looked at Abby again "We've worked a lot on your grieving process. You felt it was what propelled you to drink again?".

"Yeah, I was in shock. I was just angry that he would do something like that without consulting me first. Like I had a  _say_ ", Abby bowed her head and Susan squeezed her hand. "I'm still pissed at him for ending his life like that, but there wasn't probably much I could do...".

Abby wiped a lone tear rolling down her cheek.

* * *

It was a warm evening and they had decided to take a stroll outside after dinner. Hand in hand they walked in comfortable silence until they reached Abby's room. They went inside and Susan said she was going to take a shower "You have no idea how much I hate this humidity". She turned her back to Abby, pulling her hair aside so she could unzip her dress. They had done this routine hundreds of times but Abby froze when the scent of Susan's shampoo invaded her brain. She couldn't believe her hands were actually shaking.

She watched as Susan's dress pooled on the floor and she stepped out of it. Susan didn't turn back and Abby watched her as she swayed away, disappearing into the bathroom. She was staring dumbly at herself in the mirror. In the past, she would've rushed inside and took her in the shower but Abby didn't know if Susan  _wanted_ that.

So she waited, perched on her bed, smiling at all the drawings the boys had made, the rrecent pictures Susan brought for her.

When Susan came back all rosy and smelling delicious, Abby couldn't take her eyes off of her but couldn't move either. She watched as Susan discarded her towel and took her time applying lotion over her entire body, before sliding into a satin purple nightgown.

"Is it new?", Abby stammered, her eyes eyeing the garment a little too much but,  _damn_ , it clung to her in all the right places.

Susan sounded almost shy "Yes. Do you  _approve_?".

Abby took a few steps until she noticed her hands on Susan's sides, feeling the fabric under her fingers "Beautiful...", she whispered in awe and more turned on than she cared to admit.

Abby was nervous but had to be  _sensible_ : Susan came all the way from Chicago and stood in sexy lingerie in front of her. She expected her to make a move, so she  _had_  to do something. Afraid that she'd lose the courage, Abby traced an outline of Susan's chin with her fingers "C'mere...", she whispered before kissing her.

Susan's skin felt like fire and Abby backed her slowly against the wall. Their height difference meant that she was busy leaving kisses on Susan's throat and neck while her hands hunched up the nightgown around Susan's hips, feeling the smooth curve of her ass.

Susan moaned gently at the contact "Abby... slow down...". She withdrew and smiled at Susan's rosy cheeks "Okay...". The blonde whispered against her ear "It's been so long... I don't want it to be over in two seconds".

Abby took her hand and led her to the bed. As Susan settled herself against the pillows, Abby started to strip out of her clothes. She tried her best to look confident and reminded herself how good she used to be at this: making Susan squirm in anticipation. In her underwear, she sat next to Susan and resumed kissing her nice and slow, her arms curling around her waist, pulling her close until their bodies felt like they were glued to one another.

When Susan tongue traced her collarbone, Abby let out a gasp that surprised her. She was trying very hard to be cool and gentle but between languid kisses, Susan had swiftly removed her bra and was now torturing her by taking turns at her nipples, sucking and licking and blowing air on them. Abby was already so wet it was  _embarrassing_.

Before Susan, Abby didn't care much for this kind of play because guys didn't get it right, twiddling her nipples around and squeezing her breasts too roughly. Susan excelled at foreplay and Abby was mortified the first time she came just from the sensation of her mouth on her breasts.

In a haze of lust, Abby didn't know what else to say other than a inarticulate "Yeah...", when Susan's hand began wandering down her panties and she whispered huskily "You're so ready for me...".

Her eyes rolled into the back of her head as Susan's fingers probed within her. She had spent lonely nights touching herself, trying to remember how it felt but nothing compared to the real thing. She was clutching at Susan's nightgown and helped her out of it. Susan smiled half turned-on and half relieved that she still  _knew_  how to drive Abby crazy. She slowly covered Abby's body with her own, their breasts pressing together and her leg pressing against Abby's wetness, making her lover shudder under her.

When Susan's head disappeared between her legs and she flicked her tongue on her, Abby realized she was holding her breath. She let out a suffocated gasp and Susan came up for air "Keep doing that...".

Abby looked down and shook her head, dizzy "Huh, what?...". Susan nipped at her thigh "You're too quiet... Or maybe I forgot how you like it...". She was teasing her and Abby knew it. Susan's tongue drummed on her clit and Abby closed her hand around Susan's hair keeping her where she needed her the most "Oh, baby... I'm so close...". She could feel the pleasure erupting in her loins and was almost disappointed that it would be over. Susan felt she was close and slowed the rhythm of her tongue. She rested her chin on Abby's hip and curled two fingers inside her, blindingly searching for the right spot. When Abby threw her head back letting the pleasure course through her, Susan felt even a little emotional. She left a kiss on Abby's midsection and rested her head there, happy that she hadn't lost her touch.

Abby smiled as she looked at the ceiling, replenished and feeling suddenly very, very frisky. She stroked Susan's shoulder and smiled "Let me sit straight". Then she sat with her back against the headboard and patted at her own thighs "Come here…". Susan kneeled next to her but she motioned for her to straddle her instead.

Susan grinned "Cowgirl style, like this?". She nodded and grabbed Susan by the hips, held her close "Only seems appropriate… being in the middle of the desert and all…". They kissed sexily, Abby tasting herself on Susan's lips and stroking her breasts tenderly. Susan was glowing in her arms and Abby took her time with her hands touching her in lazy circles: her breasts, her sides, her ass, her thighs. Her mouth wandered around her neck, licking and nipping at her earlobe and she when she entered her with her fingers without warning, Susan jerked and moaned low in her throat "Oh Abby…".

She curled her arm tighter around her hips while her other hand kept stroking her in a painfully slow rhythm. She smiled to herself before whispering out loud "Weren't you engaged to a cowboy, once?".

Susan opened her eyes and realizing that Abby was smiling a little too proud of herself, she rolled her hips deliberately against her fingers and smirked "Shut up and just fuck me".

* * *

Abby chastised herself for having spent most of the past year drinking her sorrows away, especially when she had so many blessings in her life.

It wasn't that the pain from Eric's death had disappeared. She was sure it would never really go away but she was sure her brother wouldn't want her to ruin her life on his account.

She watched Susan asleep like she had done so many times before. It relaxed her to count the pale freckles on her shoulders and back. Abby couldn't sleep, giddy from her presence but also sad that in a few hours she would be back in Chicago.

They had made love lazily but avoided the temptation of making promises to each other. They would take each day at a time, like they did in the beginning of eveything, back when Abby was dating Carter but spent most nights thinking about Susan's lips instead.

Susan shifted and mumbled sleepily into her pillow "Come back to bed...".

Abby smiled, settled herself and waited for Susan to wrap herself around her.

 


	10. Chapter 10

_It was pitch dark outside but Abby couldn't sleep. She sneaked out of bed slowly, not wanting to disrupt the peaceful slumber of her companion and crept barefoot to the kitchen. She leaned with her elbows propped on the counter and lit a cigarette. The microwave clock announced it wasn't even 6 AM, but her system craved the nicotine._

_For the past two years, she and Carter had been gravitating around each other, waiting for the right moment. Now that they were finally together, Abby couldn't really explain the woman asleep in her bed._

This was going to get messy _._

_Abby didn't_ do _romance. Richard always whined about how she never made an effort to be romantic. She'd slaved herself pulling double shifts so the creep could finish damn med school - it didn't get more romantic than that, she mused. She'd had great expectations with Carter. They had been friends and supportive of each other and now that they were a couple, they felt like strangers. He kept trying to fix her, trying to groom her, dragging her to fancy restaurants and charity galas, like he was testing if she was an appropriate choice for first lady or something._

_Deep inside, she knew she was being unfair. He'd go through a lot too and she was just making excuses for her behavior._

_She didn't feel_ butterflies in her stomach  _for anyone, but she couldn't deny the giddiness every time she found Susan's eyes on her. She began to notice little details like how Susan always cocked her eyebrow slightly when she signed charts, how her skin always looked rosy and fresh even after a graveyard shift, how she closed her eyes and threw her head back when she laughed at her sardonic jokes._

_Abby realized something was going on when she found herself holding her breath at the contact of Susan's hand on her side, in the middle of a trauma. She'd done it casually, just so that they wouldn't bump into each other when she reached for the defibrillator paddles and Abby froze at the recognition of what was happening to her._

_She then spent weeks looking at the other woman, trying to figure out if the awkward attraction was reciprocated, feeling completely out of her game. Susan would always find her in smoke breaks and always got her coffee the way she liked it. They discovered they had a lot in common and, with her, Abby could watch Fear Factor and read gossip magazines without feeling like a bimbo._

_One evening at Susan's, after a few beers that she souldn't be drinking, Abby let herself cross a line that she knew was dangerous. Susan was telling her about another terrible blind date but Abby wasn't really listening. She cupped her cheek tentatively and pressed her lips to hers. They did the unthinkable and when Abby took the El back home, she missed her stop, lost in her thoughts._

_They'd decided, sensibly, that they would forget about what happened so they wouldn't ruin their budding friendship._

_But that night, a few weeks later, Abby got home and found Susan at her doorstep. As soon as she shut the door behind her, Susan's lips travelled the curve of her neck and Abby forgot everything about being sensible._

_When Abby asked Susan to stay the night, she'd said yes._

_Enjoying the buzz from her cigarette, Abby smiled at the presence in her bed. It was exciting and full of possibilities. Abby was unsure about a lot of things but she knew she wanted to keep her there._

* * *

Susan woke up rested like she hadn't felt in weeks. Abby slept peacefully against her shoulder and she wished they could stay like this indeterminately. Inside that room they were shielded from everything.

She'd needed last night. Before the accident, whenever they made love, she sensed Abby wasn't really into it. She now knew it was the alcohol and the depression, but she'd needed to prove herself that Abby still  _wanted_ her and that's why she'd spent her lunch break shopping for sexy underwear in State St the day before.

Susan was relieved that they'd still clicked like they did but what moved her about the night before was that she could finally read Abby's eyes again. She had seen lust and love, but also fear and doubt. They were on the same page, after all.

She checked the time but it was too early to call home and check on the boys, so she texted Corazon to call her when they'd wake up. Susan mused how long it had been since she'd stayed in bed late and couldn't remember the last time she had stayed late in bed  _not_ alone.

As if on cue, Abby shifted and stroked her side. Both of them knew that Susan would leave in a few hours and they'd seize each minute they had. She felt Abby's hair tickling her as she snuggled closer and sighed against her skin "I miss this... I miss watching Disney Channel with the boys hogging the bed".

Susan nodded and brushed her fingers against Abby's cheek "They miss you so much...".

Abby let her mind wander "Susan... I know I screwed up. I am so sorry...".

Susan shook her head and tried to sit against the headboard "Don't... please don't do this  _now_. I... I know you didn't do it on purpose, I  _know_ that. I'm doing my best to... let go of that anger. But it scares me that you'd put them in danger like that... I never had doubts before...". It was conflicting wanting,  _craving_ Abby but also fearing what would happen when she went back home.

Abby nodded and stammered "I understand. I just... I love them so much... I can't...  _not_ be their mother".

Susan smiled softly "Don't be silly. They're  _our_ sons, I would never... I'm just trying to do what's best for them. I want us to be together... I do. It's just... I've been so tired and lonely... I know I can get over this... I'm working on it".

She was rambling but Abby knew what she meant. Her actions opened a breach of trust between them and she couldn't blame Susan for waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Abby took Susan's hand, nuzzled her cheek against it "Just don't give up on me... I need you...".

It was reciprocated. Susan wanted her back home, wanted them to be like they were before Eric died. They had each other's back and while it took her some time to accept that she wasn't alone anymore and that it was okay to rely on someone else, now Susan couldn't picture her life without Abby in it. They argued, because Abby could be picky about stuff like Susan leaving items of clothing all over the place or forgetting something on the grocery's list but they were a team. A good one.

* * *

Mom was so happy when she got home that Mark even let Joe be the first to hug her. He was the big brother, after all.

When she opened her arms to him, the boy buried his face against her chest. "How's my little man, were you good to Corazon?". Mark nodded and kept his arms around his mother, she always gave the best hugs.

"Did you give Mommy my letter?", he asked eagerly.

"She was so, so happy... She said she would write you back", she winked.

The little boy was relieved not only because his other mommy liked his letter, but because the one he had in front of him looked like herself again. She was so sad all time since Mommy went away.

Joe claimed her arms again and Mark returned to his cartoons. His little brother shrieked in laughter because Mom was a fierce  _tickler_ and he liked that noise. Corazon shook her head, chuckling softly at the banter.

Mark knew people frowned upon his family because they didn't have a daddy. It would be great to have one to play ball because his mom's pitch was really lousy, but he didn't feel like he  _needed_ one. He had two mothers whereas most people only had one and there were days where they had pancakes and ice-cream for dinner and they'd snuggle up in their bed, the four of them, and watch cartoons together.

Mark didn't understand why people said mean things about them but he guessed they were just sad that they don't have two mommies like he and Joe.

* * *

_"Dear Mommy,_

_I hope you are okay. I miss you a lot and Joe does too. We hope you can come back home soon. Mom said we couldn't go because it's a long travel but I wouldn't have minded. I hope you like my letter. Mom said when you come back we can go see the Cubs. I know you don't like baseball very much, but it would be really cool if we all went. Do you want to go?_

_The fish are getting too big, Mom says we may have to change them to a bigger fish tank. She said if you agree we can set the new fish tank in our room. I promise I can take good care of them, like feeding them and cleaning the water filters. Joe can help too._

_I was second in math marathon at school, Mom got us burgers and sundaes. It was great._

_I have a calendar to count the days until you can come home - 27 days to go._

_Do you see any coyotes in the desert? It would be really cool if you do._

_I love you Mom._

_Mark"_

Abby's eyes welled up once again. She had read the words over and over again and pressed the paper against her lips, before placing it next to a recent picture Susan had brought.

It was just the three of them smiling and Abby swooned a little. She knew every parent thought their children were beautiful, but her boys were truly adorable with their blonde heads and bright eyes. She always said in jest that she was glad they took after Susan - they would never know for sure if they looked like the donor they used, they were anonymous for a reason - because their boys looked like little princes to her.

Every now and then, Abby thought about the child she could've had with Richard. He would be a teenager by now. The abortion was probably her biggest regret and she sometimes thought how her life would've been if she'd kept it. She'd probably still have divorced Richard because as much as she loved him, they'd grew apart and she wasn't the same gullible girl she was back then. Richard was the first man Abby truly trusted and she gave herself completely because she believed he was the one. After he cheated on her a number of times, Abby promised herself she wouldn't give herself like that to anyone else ever again.

She did just fine until Susan came along.

* * *

Spencer winced when she saw her boss suturing a drunk guy in the suture room. Susan hummed distractedly as she closed the muscle with a 4.0 vicryl, the younger doctor closed the door behind her "Dr. Lewis? I can ask an intern to do it...".

Susan cocked an eyebrow at her "It's okay. I can  _manage_ a head lac. Plus, I need the gurney". She signed the discharge form and handed her the chart "Dispo him. We're backed up and I can't even  _understand_ why _._ Are you good? I have to go back up".

Spencer nodded "Go, we're fine".

Susan walked to admit, eyed the board and then announced she was going upstairs, the paperwork on her desk also needed to be tamed.

Her assistant smiled when she saw her "Dr. Lewis, something arrived for you...", she nodded towards her office's door.

Susan went in and stopped in her tracks when she saw the flowers on the desk. She sat on her chair and fingered one of the petals.

" _To my beloved_ " - the accompanying card read and Susan smiled as she reached for her phone.

"They're beautiful", she said when Abby picked up.

"I was asking myself if they'd messed up the order", Abby's voice creaked a little.

"I was in the ER all day...", Susan couldn't hide the smile in her voice.

Abby replied gently "I wish I was there".

"You'll be in a few days. Happy anniversary", Susan whispered, glowing inside.

* * *

Abby fumbled with her keys, she sucked her breath in and pushed the door open. The familiar sound of TV and her children surrounded her immediately. She dragged her trolley behind her and stopped when she heard their screams.

"Mommy!", the boys jumped over the sofa despite Susan's protests and Abby went to her knees as she couldn't really stand with the two of them around her neck and she wasn't really feeling her legs either.

She hugged them tightly and dotted kisses on every inch of them she could find, the sweet scent of her children soothing her anxiety. "I missed you guys so, so much...", she cried softly against their hair. Abby opened her eyes and noticed the banner that spelled "Welcome home mommy" across the living room. Susan stood teary eyed and smiling at the picture before her.

Joe looked at her with a questioning eyebrow "You're staying  _forever_?". She nodded and kissed his chubby cheek "I'm not leaving ever again...".

Mark took her hand and dragged her into the living room "We made this for you...", Abby was overwhelmed and looked around smiling, taking in their home. She smiled at him with tears in her eyes "I love it. Thank you...", the boy pulled at her arm and nodded in direction of Susan. Abby chuckled and faced her partner "Hi...".

"Welcome back", Susan smiled before Abby cupped her face and kissed her softly. Susan held her in her arms in silence, no words were needed. Both women had longed so much for that moment.

Mark whistled, overjoyed at his mothers finally together and Susan pulled out of their embrace to give him a warning stare "You know I don't want you doing that...".

He shrugged with a cheeky grin "Sorry Mom...".

Joe jumped up and down on the sofa "Mommy, we have cupcakes!".

Susan just shook her head in defeat "Boys... calm down...".

Abby sat down on the sofa and both boys jumped to her lap. She held them tightly and looked at Susan with so much love in her eyes that she had to sit down too. It was too much, their boys bantering, the scent of Abby's shampoo, how her hand stroked her own hand, her dark eyes luminous again. Susan rested her forehead against Abby's and let the warmth wrap around her heart.

* * *

Abby avoided the ER purposefully. She knew she'd have to face  _everyone_ , but today wasn't the day. She used the emergency stairs and was out of breath when she reached the fourth floor, proof that rehab managed to get her out of shape. She'd have to work on that before coming back.

Kerry Weaver's assistant told her she was already waiting for her and she knocked lightly on her door before entering. Kerry smiled and stood up when she saw her, greeted her with a hug "How you doing?", the redhead smiled as she gestured at Abby to take a seat.

"I'm better...", she nodded carefully. It was embarrassing talking about this to her boss but she only had herself to blame.

"I wish you'd said something... I know how grief undermines you", she smiled but the smile didn't reach her eyes. Abby remembered how destroyed Kerry was when Sandy died.

"I have trouble talking about my own issues... I'm working on that too. I hate that they're right. Rehabilitation really is a long-term deal", she smirked.

"The boys must be thrilled?", Kerry smiled as she searched for Abby's file on her computer.

She nodded "Yes! I missed them so much, I thought I would lose it... I'm sure I won't screw up again because I won't survive another three months without them".

Abby was now serious and Weaver knew what she meant. She couldn't picture herself away from Henry for such a long time.

Kerry explained Abby how her case was handled under the Physician Health Program and how her reinstatement would be handled. At Susan's request, she hadn't reported her to the state's license board but in exchange Abby would have a probation period that could go up to five years. She would be randomly tested up to 5 times a week and had to attend AA or Caduceus meetings. Unannounced visits to the work place were to be expected. If she agreed and complied, it would be expunged from her HR file at the end of her probation time.

Abby was pensive, she didn't know how she'd handle having people looking over her shoulder all that time but she didn't really have a choice. It was either that or being reported and losing her license for practicing medicine under the influence. She was learning the hard way that they were consequences to her actions.

Weaved sensed her doubts and looked her in the eye "It's a good deal, Abby. Turns out Susan's a more ruthless negotiator than I am", she smiled.

Abby nodded knowingly "She can be  _persuasive_...".

"She  _loves_ you. Just sign the goddamn papers, Lockhart". Weaver used her brash chief of staff tone but Abby saw nothing but friendship in her eyes.

* * *

Having Abby around was exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. The boys were on a constant high but Susan couldn't blame them. She even joked that she was feeling a little jealous of all the attention they were giving to Abby but she was just happy to see her children bonding again with the woman she loved. She missed seeing them like this.

Abby continued her treatment. She'd go to AA meetings, group sessions, therapy sessions. She had to give it to her that she was doing it without further ado. Susan was having a hard time handing the reins back to Abby in their family dynamic, but it was good not having to be only adult in the household anymore.

Their sons' well-being had been her main focus and what kept her together in the past months so Susan kept following the same routines and tried to juggle her schedule around them as she had done in the past months.

She parked her car the best she could and rushed into the school yard. They would be late for karate class but she couldn't really have left the meeting in the middle of the chairman's speech.

One of the assistants smiled at her "Dr. Lewis". She reciprocated the smile but stopped when she didn't see the boys in the play room.

"Have you seen my kids?", she asked and the woman looked at her with a doubtful look "Huh... your... Dr. Lockhart was here earlier".

Susan nodded and pursed her lips. Abby could've  _at least_  told her she'd get them. She searched for her phone inside her purse and realized she left it at the hospital.  _That's just great_. She contemplated going back to the hospital to get her phone but it wasn't worth it, the traffic would be crazy.

Susan shifted right a few blocks down to the academy where the boys had karate classes every Wednesdays. Their instructor smiled when he saw her peeking in and he came closer. Susan looked around "Okay... this is going to sound strange, but you didn't happen to have seen my kids?".

He looked alarmed "I didn't...".

Susan shook her head smiling "My partner picked them up from school, I guess we missed each other...".

The man shrugged his shoulders "I guess they'll be playing hooky today...".

Susan returned to her car and was fuming all the way home. She expected them to be there but the house was empty. She looked for their home phone and dialed Abby's number, she waited for her to pick up. Nothing.

Now Susan was beginning to get nervous. Abby was still on leave and had a meeting at County, they'd talked briefly before the meeting and she didn't mention anything about getting the boys.

She sat on the sofa and waited. She knew she shouldn't be so anxious but all kind of thoughts raided her mind. What if something had happened? She knew bad news travels fast, but still.

It was way past their bedtime on school nights when she heard keys dangling and saw Abby and the boys coming in. The boys began rambling about how she took them to the Navy Pier and how they rode the Ferris Wheel, Abby smiled at them but quickly picked on that Susan wasn't amused.

"Boys... go change into your PJ's and brush your teeth". Abby spoke softly but the boys sensed the weird energy and they complied quietly.

"What were you  _thinking_?", Susan asked between clenched teeth as she came closer. "You get them from school without saying anything, making me look like an idiot! Today is Wednesday. They have karate on Wednesdays!".

Abby rested her hands on her hips and kept her voice in a low tone "I  _know_ that. But they begged me to take them to the Navy Pier... I couldn't really say no to them... I called you four times...".

"I left my phone at the hospital. I called you like ten times!", Susan was pissed and Abby knew it.

Abby fumbled with her pockets and retrieved her cell phone. She winced "I'm sorry... Joe must've silenced it when he was playing with it before... I'm sorry".

"We have routines, Abby! It's what kept us sane while you were away! You can't come now and swirl it all around because you want to play good mommy!".

"I called you to warn you that I'd get them... we just missed each other...", Abby tried to reason with her and spoke as softly as she could.

"Don't do this again", Susan hissed.

Abby wasn't used to Susan talking to her like this. "What, I can't pick up my kids from school now?", Abby scoffed. Susan was overreacting big time.

"We all know how good it went last time", Susan replied without thinking. She regretted her words as soon as she heard herself.

Hurt was etched in Abby's face but she didn't answer back. She pursed her lips and turned her back to Susan "I'm going to tuck them in".

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

 

_They had managed to keep their relationship private for over a year. After Carter confronted them and left for Africa, they both decided they would take each day at a time. They didn't go out of their way to keep it a big secret, but they didn't shove it in anyone's face either._

_When Abby started moving in all her stuff, it was soon obvious that the apartment was too small for them. "We should get a bigger place...", Susan sighed, one afternoon, as she struggled with the wardrobe drawers._

_Abby looked up from her manual "I like it here". Abby thought it was welcoming and lived on._

_Susan sat on the edge of the bed "I like_ you _here", she smiled conspiracionally._

_Abby smiled back at her. It was still crazy to think that they were together, but Abby couldn't remember the last time she felt so content in a relationship before. She had no idea if it was because Susan was a woman, but it surprised her how she could open up to her and actually talk about things and they could also be right next to each other in comfortable silence without it being awkward._

_Susan was now snuggling close to her, her lips tasting her neck, Abby leaned into the contact and sighed demurely "I'm reading..."._

_She whispered in her ear "I can tell you all about stroke prophylaxis in atrial fibrillation_ later _...". Abby put her manual down on the bedside table and kissed Susan. It was still new and Abby loved the softness of it. She was a good kisser and it was a much better option to spend her spare time like this than to read cardiology studies._

_Abby was busy with her hands under the hem of Susan's blouse when her beeper started buzzing. Seconds after Susan's could be heard somewhere in the living room._

_"You gotta be kidding me...", Susan groaned in frustration as Abby checked the message in the display "Multiple MVAs... some pile-up on Kennedy..."._

_With an oomph, Susan got out of bed decidedly "Come on, let's go". She threw Abby her coat as she looked around for her purse. Abby watched her, unsure "What, together?"._

_The other woman shrugged her shoulders "Well, why not? There must be a pool running on us anyway"._

_Abby looked deep in thought as they went out and Susan kissed her cheek "Relax. It's not a big deal"._

_Abby smiled "It's easy for you to say". Susan had been appointed ER chief a few months ago._

_When they got there, the ambulance bay was swamped and Susan was immediately pulled into one of the trauma rooms. Luka asked Abby to help him out with one the patients and they worked on the guy for almost an hour before stabilizing him to the OR._

_She noticed Luka's eyes on her when they were discarding their gloves and gowns. "What?"._

_He looked around and when he realized they were alone, he asked "Did you and Susan come in together?"._

_Abby resisted the urge to lie and just nodded "Yep…"._

_"You seem really close...", he said quietly, his eyes on hers._

_Luka was her friend, he deserved knowing, if only for their past. "When you hear hoof beats, think of horses not zebras", she smiled._

_He shook his head, looking at her blankly, "I don't..."._

_She remembered he might not be familiar with the saying. "It's exactly what it looks like...", she averted her eyes to her feet._

_Luka wasn't really surprised, he had a feeling that something was up. He'd been watching Abby and noticed that since Carter went away she didn't seem that sad at all. In fact, he'd seen her smile more in the recent months than the whole time Abby and himself were together. He also noticed how Abby's tone mellowed when she talked to Susan. It was the same tone she'd used with him, years ago, so Luka couldn't really help noticing when they came in together after being paged on their day off._

_Luka shook his head "It's a little weird…"._

_Abby smiled "I know…"._

_He gave her that lopsided grin of his "But you're smiling… You're always smiling now…"._

_Abby was surprised by his words. She hadn't noticed anything different in her demeanor but she couldn't really hide that she was in a good stage in life._

" _I don't want to jinx it…", she practically whispered._

_Luka smiled "You're happy, aren't you?"._

_At Abby's nod, Luka squeezed her arm before leaving the room "Good. I'm glad"._

_When she stepped into the lounge, Susan was already putting her lab coat in her locker "Let's try that new mexican place on Devon. I'm starving"._

_Abby placed her stethoscope on the hook inside her locker and discarded her lab coat "I just told Luka…"._

_Susan's eyes shoot up "About us?". She watched as Abby fumbled with her purse._

_They were alone but_ _Abby still lowered her voice._ _"Yeah. I think we have his blessing…"._

_Susan's smile reached her eyes as she closed her locker "See? And it wasn't the end of the world…"._

* * *

Joe whined as Abby poured milk on his cereal "I don't like Cheerios…". She kept setting the table, unfazed "Nonsense. You  _love_  Cheerios".

Mark looked at her skeptically "We have Lucky Charms now…". Abby wondered what else could have changed in just three months. She emptied their bowls and stretched to get the right box of cereal this time. When she saw Susan approaching them, she asked "You still like black coffee, right?". Susan accepted the mug and noticed that Abby didn't make eye contact.

"You're up early…", she said as she sipped at her coffee. Abby nodded and continued to spread butter on her toast. They ate quietly and Susan knew Abby was upset about the day before. She had over-reacted and wished she hadn't said the words she said. She should've apologized right away.

"I'm taking them to school. Unless you have a problem with that", Abby said matter-of-factly, as she finished her coffee. Susan wanted to talk to her about the day before but not in front of the kids, so she lowered her gaze "No problem at all".

When they finished their cereal, Mark and Joe rushed to go brush their teeth despite Abby's plea "No running in the house!". She slipped into her coat and Susan tried to break the ice "What are you doing today?".

Abby shrugged her shoulders "These sessions I have to attend". Susan parked herself in front of her so she wouldn't avert her eyes away "About yesterday... I'm sorry about what I said...".

"Are you?  _Really_? Because I think you're really enjoying keeping me in the doghouse".

Susan rolled her eyes and watched as Abby turned away from her.

* * *

Chloe's voice chirped in her ear "So, how are you two lovebirds doing? Making up for lost time?". Chloe knew her sister had a rough time during Abby's rehab and regularly checked to see how she was. Susan sighed in the other end of the line "Hardly…I want to forget what happened, but how do I do that? ".

Chloe knew everything about rehab, relapsing, struggling to get her life back together. She knew how many times her sister had found her gagging on her own vomit, how she'd improvised stomach pumps to avoid losing her to an overdose, how she took care of her newborn daughter while she was crossing the country high with some creep whose name she didn't even remember anymore.

She pondered her words before speaking up "Give her a break, Susan. You had a hard time but so did Abby. Rehab's pretty crap… All she needs is your trust, right now".

"I  _want_  to trust! She lied to me once, how do I know it won't happen again?", Susan sighed exasperated. She suddenly wished that she could have some kind of amnesia.

"That's the thing about trusting. You won't ever know for certain that she won't ever hurt you again. You have to ask yourself if your relationship is worth the risk of being hurt again".

Susan wondered when her sister became so wise.

After Chloe hung up, Susan tried to return to her budget spreadsheets but couldn't focus on the numbers. They had once promised each other that they would always talk about things and not resort to that passive-aggressive crap.

She checked her watch as she called her assistant "Brenda. Can you call Dr. Jones and see if we can postpone his performance review for tomorrow, same time?There's somewhere I have to be. Thanks".

Susan speeded down Lincoln Av., trying to avoid the red lights. She looked at the street signs and hoped she got the right place. She remembered Abby saying something about it being right close to DePaul.

Inside, a woman told her the meeting had already started but that she could go in. Susan opened the door as quietly as she could and sat in a free chair in the back row. She immediately spotted Abby in one of the first rows listening to a forty something guy who was sharing his story.

It was her first time in a AA meeting and she expected a pulpit or a chair in the middle of a circle like in the movies. Susan was pleasantly surprised that Abby offered to share next. It felt like she was spying on her but Susan came only to show her support. The counsellor asked Abby how her first week at home went and Susan heard as she gushed on how much she had missed the sons, how happy they had been with her back home.

"How's your partner handling everything?", he asked.

Abby paused and even in the back row, Susan could see her wrinkling her nose in that cute way she did. "She's mad at me for loading her with all this mess… Not only the last months I've been away, but last year too. I was  _physically_  here, but I wasn't really there. I get that… But I've apologized a thousand times, I don't know what else I can say".

Susan felt a tinge of guilt in her chest. Abby was right, she did say how sorry she was a  _lot_  of times. There she was, going to meetings, trying to get herself together. She should give her some slack.

"I feel like I have broken the trust between us… I wish I knew what to say to her… I'm doing this for us, for our family…". Abby's voice faltered a little and the man nodded like to tell her that it was okay to cry.

He kept saying how it was important that she did it for herself, more than anything. Abby nodded but didn't say anything else and he didn't insist either.

Susan considered Abby's words. She looked so exposed and sad. Susan remembered how happy and carefree they were when they started seeing each other. She missed them being like that and decided they'd have to fight together for their happiness.

When the meeting came to an end, the counsellor approached her "Abby… You're doing great. The tension and strain are normal… I guess it gets worse before it gets better?", he winked and patted her arm as he went to talk to someone else.

Abby took her stuff and turned around to get herself a cup of coffee in the improvised cafeteria. She froze when she saw Susan looking at her, leaning against the wall. She fixed herself a cup of black coffee and one for Susan. She wondered if she'd heard her sharing.

She handed Susan a mug "When did you get here?".

Susan nodded "A while ago. That's good coffee…", she smiled trying to break the ice. Abby gave her a polite smile but kept quiet.

She tried tentatively "I was way out of line, yesterday. I  _am_ sorry".

"You were right", Abby shrugged. She didn't like being a punching bag but she knew she deserved the hard time Susan was giving her.

"No. I know how you hate this and you never once complained… I know you're doing this for us…" Susan took her hand gently and gave her a light tug so that Abby looked at her. "Some people say sorry is the hardest word… for me it's not. I'm sorry I was a bitch yesterday".

Abby's eyes softened and Susan smiled before continuing "The hardest thing for me to say is that... I  _need_  you. I don't want to raise the boys alone… I need you by my side… Let's start with a clean sheet".

Abby looked at their hands entwined and sighed "That's all I want…".

* * *

She watched the hospital entrance from the opposite side of the ambulance bay as she finished her coffee. She missed Magoo's, the coffee at Jumbo Mart had become increasingly worse over the years. Abby felt a mix of anxiety, fear but also relief: County was familiar territory and she knew what to expect.

Abby went in and spotted familiar faces at admit but decided to go to the doctor's lounge first. She was pleased that it was empty and stopped for a second before entering her locker combination.

She smiled at the pinned photo of her family and spotted the neatly arranged bottles on the shelf, a reminder of her own decay and the choices she had made. Abby grabbed the bottles and poured its contents into the sink, the smell of the alcohol flaring her nostrils. Before developing the problem, Abby loved having a drink after work, over dinner or just chilling at home. She'd never have the pleasure again, but she knew she'd made the right decision. She was surprised that she wasn't even tempted to take a sip. It felt like meeting an ex lover or something and Abby chuckled at her own weird comparison as she returned to her locker and slipped into her new lab coat Susan had got her that morning.

She took the time to properly disinfect her stethoscope before placing it around her neck, checked if her pen still worked and slipped her pager into her pocket. Luka went in as she was closing her locker and he smiled at her warmly "Look what the cat dragged in!"

He pulled her into a tight hug and Abby smiled against his chest. He pulled back and crooked his neck to look at her "How are you doing?", hands on his hips.

She smiled and shrugged her shoulders "One day at a time. I'm glad to be back...".

Luka nodded towards the door "It's crazy out there, try to take it slow". Abby shook her head "I'm tired of taking it slow, I'm dying to get into a trauma room!".

Luka chuckled as he approached the coffee machine and Abby cleared her throat "So, I suppose everyone knows".

He shrugged as he sipped at his mug "You know the rumor mill... But Kerry was very discreet about it. I had to really press her to know what was going on...". Luka was the ER chief since Susan went to Northwestern and he'd been surprised by the revelation that Abby'd checked into rehab. "Weaver wants me to supervise you...", he added.

Abby nodded as she turned to the door "Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'll try to make things run as smoothly as possible...". What else could she say?

He called her once more "Abby? I know it's been a long time but... Carter's back in Chicago and he's been pulling a few shifts... We were one attending down, so...".

Abby was dumbfounded. Since their messy break-up over her relationship with Susan, they had seen each other not more than three or four times. The last time had been a couple years ago when he opened the Carter Center.

She nodded before pushing the door open "Thanks for the heads up".

It was nice being back. Malik twirled her around in his arms, Haleh sighed "Thank God you're back" as she hugged her quickly before rushing to the ambulance bay and even Frank seemed pleased to see her.

She eyed the chart rack and immediately recognized the voice behind her "I don't think you're supposed to pick patients". Carter towered over her as Abby jumped in surprise he wore a scruffy beard and she noticed a sprinkling of gray hair around his temples, but his eyes were still as gentle as she remembered.

"Carter", she smiled and they leaned to an awkward hug. He looked at her and nodded "You look great. I heard you were away for a while...". Abby sensed the approaching med students and Carter squeezed her arm before turning his attention to them "Keep strong".

She had said the same to him many years ago and Abby smiled at the coincidence. She watched him retreat to one of the trauma rooms and pulled a chart to start her shift.

* * *

Luka insisted that they'd all gather after their shift at Ike's. Abby was exhausted after her first shift in over three months and wanted to crawl back home and slip into her bed, but everyone had been so genuinely happy to have her back that she acquiesced.

When he raised his glass, she deadpanned "You realize how inappropriate it is to propose toasts to a drunk?".

Everyone boomed with laughter and Luka winced "I'm sorry...". Abby chuckled and dismissed him with a reassuring wave. Then she turned back to Neela "So, what else have I missed?".

The British sipped at her beer as she observed Carter talking to Luka "Well, no-one knows why he's here... has he broken up for good with Kem? He just won't say...".

Abby smiled at all the people around her. She had missed feeling like she belonged somewhere. These were her people. "What about you? Still _not_ with Ray?", Abby smirked.

"He's dating a pedes nurse. Kyra something. We  _might_ have spent some time together lately but I don't know...". If it wasn't for the dimmed lights, Abby would say that Neela was blushing.

She sipped at her bland club soda "Do what your heart tells you...", she said sincerely. Neela was a brilliant surgeon but so insecure in her private life. Just like herself.

"Who are  _you_ and what have you done to my friend?", Neela quipped and they both started giggling.

Abby was enjoying the banter and silently watched everyone. Her eyes averted to the door and she noticed Susan coming in, wearing that navy blue power suit she loved on her. Susan winked at her and Abby smiled as everyone cheered and greeted her.

She watched as Susan stood between Luka and Carter, looking surprised but also happy to see him. It could have been really awkward but it was water under the bridge and they had all grown up.

Neela laughed and Abby looked at her with questioning eyes "You slept with all three of them!".

Abby glared at her but couldn't help smiling at her remark.

Susan's heart fluttered at the sight of Abby looking like Abby again. She excused herself "Gentlemen...", crossed the room and nodded "Hi Neela", but her eyes were on her lover.

Neela noticed the lingering looks between them and stood "I'll be right back...". Susan sat next to Abby and smiled gently "I was wondering if you needed a lift, so I came by the hospital. How was your first day back?".

"I feel like I just started my residency", Abby chuckled and her hand stroked Susan's forearm "I love this color on you".

Susan's green eyes twinkled, she knew Abby was teasing her but the last few days had been so good after she decided to forgive her and let go of the resentment.

"Stop doing that...", she warned with affection in her voice.

"Doing what?", Abby batted her eyelashes and Susan shook her head. She leaned and whispered in her ear "Stop looking at me like that or I'll have to take you in one the bathrooms stalls". She knew how to play this game too.

"Wouldn't be the first time...", Abby slurred and they both smirked at her words. Abby continued to sip at her water, her eyes mischievous. In the beginning of their relationship, they were times where the urgency of their love got them in trouble. The other woman still drove her crazy but Abby knew she could wait until they got home.  _To their home_.

Carter looked at them from the bar, enthralled at how they looked at each other, how at ease they seemed. They did that thing with their eyes that people in love do but no-one around them seemed to bat an eye.

Carter nodded at the barman to refill his drink.

 


	12. Chapter 12

Abby held her hair back as Susan retched over the toilet bowl. She rubbed her back in circles as she kept vomiting and only stopped when she sensed she was somewhat settled. She helped her up and slid her right hand under Susan's pajama top "Does it hurt?", she asked as she felt her abdomen for tenderness.

Susan shook her head "It's just stomach flu…" but Abby still stuck a thermometer in her ear "You have a fever… 101.2. Just go back to bed, I'll bring you something for your stomach". She made sure Susan was back under the covers before padding to the kitchen. She poured water into the kettle and walked towards the boys' room. They slept soundly and Abby stood in the dark listening to their breathing. It always calmed her.

She remembered doing the same when they were babies, terrified that they would stop breathing. Susan would find her asleep with a hand resting against their belly, snuck between the crib bars.

Abby tucked the covers closely around each one of the boys before returning to the kitchen. She steeped a teabag in hot water and took the mug to their room. She had an early shift but there was no way she was going back to sleep at this point.

Susan was on her side hogging most of the bed, she sat next to her and pushed back the tendrils of hair that stuck against her forehead. "Take this…", she said gently as she handed her two caplets and the tea "You're a little dehydrated".

Susan complied and took a few sips, gauging the reaction of her own stomach at the intruding liquid "You should be asleep, you have an early shift…".

Abby smiled "Do you expect me to sleep like a baby with you puking your guts out? I'll call Brenda to let her know you won't be coming in".

Susan shook her head, her eyes closed "I  _really_  have to go… I have scheduled interviews for the new R2s…".

"That's too bad, because you're not coming out of the house today". When Susan started to protest, Abby deadpanned "Doctor's orders".

Susan sagged into her pillow and mumbled "I'll call Corazon and ask her if she can take the boys to school then…".

Abby shook her head, took Susan's hand and squeezed it " _I'll_  take them to school. Just try to rest, ok? I'm here, you're not alone anymore…".

All her life Susan was used to being in charge. When she finished high school, it was clear that she was the only grown-up at home, picking up not only Chloe's slack, but her parents' too. When she left for med school, she felt like her life had finally begun and she kept expecting for something truly exciting to happen. As the years went by, Susan started to accept that maybe she was meant to have what people called a _normal_ life.

But Susan didn't want normal. Normal was boring. She wanted passionate, fiery love to sweep her off her feet and that's why she fled Arizona.

She wasn't used to having someone to lean on, so Susan didn't say anything, but Abby's words warmed her chest.

She knew it wasn't the fever.

* * *

It wasn't easy getting back into County's hectic rhythm but Abby had missed feeling useful. Inside hospital doors', Abby knew what to do. Having to pee in a cup every other day was humiliating but also a humbling reminder that she wasn't perfect and that she shouldn't take nothing for granted.

Things at home were much better. After all the tension in the first weeks, Susan was now letting Abby ease back into their family dynamic. They had done it gradually so that they could rebuild the bridges between them and also because they wanted to keep a united front for the sake of the children.

It meant they had to relearn how to be equal in their relationship and how to court each other again. Sometimes it was just coffee before Abby's AA meetings or Susan's yoga classes, but they made the effort to spend time together. Susan would work her schedule around Abby's, even if it meant the rest of her week would be crazy. It was worth it.  _They_ were worth it.

Susan knew a cozy café not far from U of C where most patrons were undergrads and they would spend their day offs there, Abby updating her charts, Susan writing down the chapters on a new study she was leading. After leaving the kids at school, they would choose one of the most secluded booths and they would work all morning before lunch.

They'd sat opposite each other, each one typing away and stealing warm glances every now and then. It was nice being close, they missed working together.

Abby was good at people watching, a habit she preserved from her bar hopping days, and bad at focusing on incomplete charts so she watched closely the purple haired waitress that smiled a little too much at Susan while she took their order.

"That girl has a crush on you", Abby said matter-of-factly when she was out of earshot.

Susan's eyebrows went up and she shook her head "What?  _No_!".

Abby smirked "Oh,  _yes"_. They both kept quiet when she returned with their food and the girl cleared her throat before smiling and stammering "Your hair looks super nice... Huh, enjoy your meal".

Susan watched her out of depth as she scurried back behind the counter and Abby chirped knowingly "Told you so".

"My gaydar sucks", Susan sighed as Abby stole one of her french fries.

* * *

She waved the tube in her hand "Lydia, I need a favor". The nurse nodded before pushing the lounge door open "Give me a minute, Weaver needs me!".

Carter looked on from the couch as he munched on a chocolate bar "Do you need help?".

Abby tried to catch her hair in a tall ponytail "Huh, it's okay. I can wait...". She checked her texts in the while and smiled at the screen " _Don't be late. I'm cooking. Love you xx_ ".

His voice startled her "Come on, I'll do yours if you do mine". She watched as he stood up and stretched his neck.

It was still weird to have Carter back at County. Not only because he was gone for so long, but mostly because it felt like he was never gone. He was part of that place. Carter showed her the own tube in his hand "I need to check my enzymes".

He came close and took her forearm. She watched as he applied the tourniquet, opened a new kit and took a syringe. He felt her veins, swiped alcohol on her skin and slid the needle effortlessly.

Abby looked at him "What enzymes?".

"GFR's", he said with a pretense smile that didn't match his eyes. Abby couldn't help the shock showing on her face "Your kidneys?".

"I'm on the UNOS list", he nodded as he handed her the blood sample.

"I'm so sorry, John", Abby whispered and watched as he stoically rolled up his sleeve. It now made sense that he was back in Chicago while waiting for a kidney.

She returned the favor and took his blood "Is Kem coming soon?". She averted her eyes from his arm when she realized he was silent.

"I'm not sure, we're in this weird place...", he smirked.

Abby felt sorry for him. There he was, a millionaire with nothing but sadness edged in his face.

"Does she know?", Abby looked him in the eye and watched as his shoulders sagged "I don't want her to come back just out of pity...".

"You  _should_  tell her", she said as she discarded the syringe in the trash. Abby wanted to tell him to not lose time over miscommunication but she felt it wasn't her place. Carter nuzzled his knuckles on her cheek and his sad eyes were on hers. She recoiled, surprised by his gesture. He sensed her discomfort and took his blood sample "Thank you".

Abby went back to admit and picked her last patient of the day. A ten year old girl with leukemia.  _Just great_. She talked gently to the distraught parents and watched their lifeless gaze as she told them the words they were dreading to hear: their daughter's body wasn't fighting anymore.

Abby was sick of disease and death.

She thought about Eric. Sometimes it felt like he was away on a trip and she wouldn't think about him for a day or two. But then her eyes would stumble upon a picture and reality crashed upon her. She would never see him again.

He was  _gone_.

When she got home, she hugged her boys until they squirmed out of her arms.

After dinner, Abby read to them until they fell asleep. When she returned from their room, Susan was at the sink doing the dishes singing along to some Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus song - she couldn't really tell apart any of those new pop stars.

She hugged her from behind.

"Bad day?". Susan could sense just from how tight Abby was holding her. She turned when she felt Abby's tears through her shirt.

"I miss him  _so_  much", Abby whispered and Susan nodded "I know you do... come here...". Susan wanted to tell her not to cry because she hated seeing her like this, but she remembered how  _not_ crying had been a problem before, so she just held her and soothed her the best she could.

The warmth of Susan's body settled her. Abby nuzzled even closer and whispered "Promise me you won't die…".

"Well, I  _will_  die eventually… ", Susan parted to look Abby in the eyes. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and cupped her cheeks "I'm not going anywhere soon, okay?".

Abby nodded and pushed herself up onto the tips of her toes, Susan smiled before kissing her lips softly but Abby didn't want reassuring kisses or gentle touches. She wanted to feel  _alive_  and to brush away her thoughts so her tongue sought entrance at Susan's lips and her hands groped her sides impatiently. Susan understood what Abby needed and complied. It was hot in theory, but making out in the kitchen with the kids asleep in the nearby room didn't seem like a good idea. She sighed as Abby nipped at her earlobe "Not here…".

Inside their room, Susan watched Abby closely as she unbuttoned her shirt. She stopped her by stilling her hands on her chest "Are you okay, baby?". Abby didn't meet her eyes so she used her forefinger to lift her chin. Susan didn't want them to have sex with Abby obviously so upset.

In other times, Abby would've nodded, but now, in front of Susan's intense gaze, she couldn't lie "I'm a little… shaky. There are so many things we can't control…". Susan locked her arms around Abby's hips and swayed them both a little as she nodded at her words "What if we worry about what we  _can_  control?".

Susan knew that depression didn't go away with a magic pill, Abby was still struggling. She pressed her lips against Abby's forehead "I'm gonna run you a bath. How does that sound?". Abby was exhausted and stifled a sigh "Sounds like  _heaven_ ".

The sound of water running calmed her. Abby stood staring at the wall full of photo frames. Pictures of the two of them, baby pictures of the boys, snippets of how blessed they were.

Kneeling down beside the bath, Susan swirled the water around to make bubbles. She looked over her shoulder and smiled "All set".

Abby undressed and arranged her clothes in a neat pile. Susan helped her step into the warm water and Abby closed her eyes in pleasure as the bubbly water enveloped her.

She looked so peaceful with all the bubbles around her that Susan smiled contently at the scene before her. She lowered the lights and smiled "Enjoy…".

Abby relaxed her head against the cold back of the tub and almost pouted "You're not coming in?".

Susan's email inbox was waiting for her but Abby was all vulnerable and looking beautiful and she couldn't say no to her. She undressed and stepped into the tub, sitting in the space between Abby's legs. She felt Abby's arms curling immediately around her middle and her forehead rested against her shoulder blade.

Susan didn't want to wet her hair so she pinned it up and Abby contemplated her neck with hooded eyes and pure fascination. She leaned and pursed her lips to the hollow under her earlobe and dotted kisses along her neck and jawline. Susan moaned at her touch and Abby was enthralled: they were both  _alive_  and  _healthy_  and it was almost a miracle that they could love each other with such intensity.

The combination of cold air and warm water made the fine hairs at Susan's neck stand and Abby pressed herself against her back, cupping her breasts firmly, making sure her thumbs rubbed her nipples with intent. She loved Susan's breasts and how sexed up she was just from stroking them. Susan's head trashed back at the contact and Abby found her lips with her own.

They kissed lazily while Susan took Abby's hand unceremoniously and placed her fingers where she needed them the most. Abby didn't need to be told twice. Her movements were restricted by the tub, but she rubbed circles between Susan's legs, while her other hand teased her breast in a delirious counterpoint. She nuzzled Susan's neck with her lips, loving the softness of her skin, the scent that was unmistakenly hers.

Susan couldn't do much more than to brace herself on the sides of the tub and remember to breathe. She recalled lamaze classes, about giving birth to their sons with Abby by her side whispering  _I love yous_ and  _you're doing greats_ in her ear.

She felt Abby's teeth sinking into her shoulder and she knew she was hot and bothered as well. Susan wanted to somewhat retribute but couldn't untangle herself from Abby's arms and frankly, she didn't want to. Not when she was  _this_  close and Abby's fingers were now stroking her in such a delicious rhythm.

It almost overwhelmed Abby as she recalled that she could have lost  _this_. "Come for me, baby...", she whispered as she shifted her fingers inside Susan, knowing just from her breathing that she was  _so_ close.

Susan just groaned as the bright and beautiful colors exploded behind her eyes.


	13. Chapter 13

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weeks rolled into one another and the end of the year was near.

Abby had promised the boys that they would help her set the Christmas tree and she smiled proudly at them. They had finally managed to prop the tree on the stand and Abby had dragged it close to the window. It would look perfect with all the lights on. They rummaged through the boxes excitedly, searching for lights and tinsel and Abby snapped a picture of them and emailed it to Susan.

Mark looked confused as he took a miniature Smirnoff bottle from the bottom of the box and Abby was like a deer caught in the headlights. She'd forgotten about what she'd stashed there, so she strode across the room and took the box away from them "Huh, why don't you unroll the lights for me? I'll be right back".

Abby placed all the bottles inside the kitchen sink. She had been doing fine, some days were better than others, but seeing the evidence of her vice was like scratching a barely healed wound. She emptied the bottles in the sink and watched as the liquid swirled down the drain.

She missed the taste, the heat that radiated from her chest when she had a drink. Abby had attended a meeting a few days ago where she talked about the cravings she was having. Everyone assured her that they were normal but they terrified her nonetheless. Susan always drank red wine and since her Abby's rehab she couldn't bring herself to drink in front of her. They had argued that day because Abby told her that it was okay, she wouldn't fall off the wagon just because Susan had a drink with dinner but Susan kept saying she wasn't comfortable with the idea of savoring a glass of Merlot in front of her. She was scared too.

When she returned to the living room, the boys had surprisingly unrolled all the light sets without breaking them and Abby checked them first for burn-out bulbs. Joe clapped his little hands at all the little LEDs blinking and she nodded at him "Come here...". He helped her string the lights around the tree as Mark commanded from afar "There's a gap over there, Mommy...".

Abby would step back and mentally divide the tree into sections. She decided that they had enough strands of lights and she kneeled down next to the ornament box. She knew Susan liked the red ones better so she handed the balls to the boys and let them finish.

"Don't go too crazy, okay?", she smirked and Mark chuckled at her remark. He knew he'd have to keep an eye on his little brother who was already overdoing it.

Abby sat on the floor with her head against the arm of the couch. The force of her love for the two lively creatures in front of her always amazed her . It was incredible to think how quickly they had turned from babies into boys with opinions and clear personality traits. Joe nudged her shoulder and handed her a pillow "For your back".

She smiled at him "Thank you, that's so sweet of you". Mark shook his head at his brother and deadpanned "He just wants an iPhone for Christmas".

Abby chuckled at her son "An  _iPhone_? Why do you want one? You don't  _need_ one, sweetie". The younger boy pouted " _Everyone_  has one. I'm going to ask Santa for one ".

Mark laughed and rolled his eyes "There's no Santa...".

Abby glared at him "Mark...". The boy sighed and continued to decorate the tree.

She gestured at her youngest to sit on her lap and she smiled at him "An iPhone is not really a toy... It costs a lot of money too. With that kind of money, Santa could buy a lot of presents for a lot of children... It's not really fair to spend all that money on your present. What about the other kids?".

Abby couldn't really believe it was normal for first graders to have iPhones.

He contemplated her words and asked meekly "So if I choose something else, all the kids will have presents?".

Abby knew she wasn't exactly telling the truth but she was glad his heart was in the right place. She smiled and he nodded in defeat "Okay...".

* * *

_Susan signed charts as she tucked her cell phone between her shoulder and cheek. Her mother rambled on and she tried her best to sound interested. "Your dad's on the way to O'Hare to pick up Chloe and Suzie. Don't be late!"._

_Seeing her niece was the only motivation behind Susan's decision to attend her parents' Christmas dinner. Cookie made sure Susan understood she was expected to come alone "Don't bring_ that _woman"._

_Susan twisted the paper in her hands to avoid snapping at her mother. She replied softly "Her name is Abby..."._

_"We're serving dinner at seven"._

_Susan disconnected the call and rubbed her temple. Her mother sure had a way to make her feel like crap. Jing-Mei Chen emerged from the door, already slipping out of her lab coat "Do you want to grab a drink?"._

_She smiled and pursed her lips "I'm having dinner with my folks..."._

_Chen chuckled at the lack of enthusiasm on her face as she searched for her purse inside her locker "Have fun, then. Merry Christmas!"._

_Susan smiled at her but was disappointed. It was the first Christmas since she and Abby were together, but her sister came from New York and Susan missed her and wanted to see her niece._

_Abby made sure she had the night shift scheduled so that Susan wouldn't feel like not going, she insisted they would have their own little celebration later._

_Susan's mother had first laughed at the news that her youngest daughter was in a relationship with another woman. She'd expect something like that from Chloe, not Susan. Susan was the sensible one, the one that graduated with honors. A doctor._ _Cookie spent most of her life worrying about Chloe. When she started to really look at her youngest daughter, she has already an adult, out of their door._

_When Susan told her it was serious, she started calling her everyday, assuring her that she was just_ confused _. Cookie regretted being so absent in her life._

_Susan approached Jerry at admit "Have you seen Abby?". He looked up from his computer "I think she's stocking the drug lock-up"._

_She watched quietly as Abby arranged the narcotics in alphabetical order. She jumped in surprise when she noticed Susan "I didn't see you! You heading out?"._

_Susan closed the door behind her "Yeah... You know I wanted you to come with me, right?". She looked into Abby's puppy brown eyes searching for reassurance. Abby nodded "I know. But Christmas is about family... go be with your family... It's okay"._

_Susan wanted to tell her_ badly _that she wanted them to have a family. But it was too soon and she didn't want to freak her out._

_She touched her chin and let her fingers stray on Abby's pout. She loved her mouth and couldn't get enough of her kisses. Abby was giving her a look that was all but innocent and Susan leaned to capture her lips with her own._

_It was really dumb to be doing this in the drug lock-up but she couldn't resist. Her hands cupped Abby's face and disappeared behind her neck. She backed her against the shelves, her lips teasing Abby's lower lip. The bottles rattled behind them and Abby moaned._

_It took all of Susan's restraint to stop herself from taking her right there._

_Maybe her mother was right after all and she had lost her mind._

_She broke the kiss and watched as Abby tried to regain her composure, adjusting her scrubs top and making sure her french twist was in place. It was insane how much she wanted that woman and she smiled with conspiracy in her eyes "Staying here sounds so much fun than dinner at my parents..."._

_Abby shook her head and shooed her away "Go...", her tone not matching the tenderness in her eyes._

_When Susan left, Abby sighed with her head against the door, her fingers covering the heat radiating from her lips._

* * *

Abby parked the car and pointed to the other side of the street "I went to that school". Susan looked as she stepped out of the car "I bet you were a cute kid". Abby rolled her eyes "I had permed hair". Susan shrugged and came round the car, her arm resting on Abby's shoulder "So did I".

The last time they'd visited this place, Abby was in an almost catatonic stupor. She watched as her face tensed as they approached the cemetery and she stopped her by curling her arm around her, bringing her closer "Are you sure you're ready?".

"Yes. Thank you for being here...", Abby whispered against her lips and they walked hand in hand through the alleys. It was one of those sunny cold days Abby loved and if she wasn't replaying the saddest event of her life in her head, she could almost call it a peaceful walk.

Susan wasn't surprised that Abby remembered the exact place of Eric's grave, she was good with details, and she gauged her before tugging her hand softly "I'm going to give you a minute alone".

Abby loved that about Susan, that she always seemed to know what she wanted without her saying anything. Susan crouched and took the dead flowers, replaced them with the fresh ones they had bought earlier. She pressed a kiss to Abby's hair before leaving her alone.

Abby buried her hands deeper into her pockets, her breath drawing puffs into the cold air. She wished she had a cigarette but she'd quit a few years ago. She pressed the heel of her boot into the grass and whispered "You're such a dumbass...". She looked around, making sure no one was eavesdropping "I wish I understood why you did what you did... I wish you'd said something...", Abby felt a tear trickling down the bridge of her nose but she didn't move her hands from her pockets "I know you probably didn't want me to worry... but you know me, I  _always_ worry...".

She smiled through her tears "I miss you  _so_ much".

One of the last times they'd talked, Eric told her how much he admired the family she had with Susan.

_"Your kids are fantastic, sis. They're smart and funny and normal! You realize most kids their age would rather sit on their ass all day staring at some computer screen, than going outside and play ball? It's kind of a miracle considering how much of a sports enthusiast you are…", he teased._

_She listened as he chuckled on the other side of the line "I know you. How you doubt yourself, how you think that you'll mess this up. You won't. You're an amazing parent. You were a great mother to me..."._

_"Thank you", she said softly._

_"And Susan, she loves you. You're great together. And hot", he assured her._

_Abby rolled her eyes "You were doing just fine, don't be gross. I'm your big sister"._

_Eric laughed heartily "I love you"._

Only now in hindsight, Abby realized he was saying goodbye.

More tears flowed from her eyes as she remembered: when people asked Eric what he wanted to be when he grew up, he always smiled "I want to be an  _eagle_ ".

Abby looked at the sky above her, squinting her eyes at the sun and she could almost see her brother flying, finally free, finally in peace.

* * *

She pushed the door open and froze when their eyes met. He looked pathetic in just a gown and socks and she stifled a nervous laugh "So, I just bumped into Benton in the cafeteria and he tells me you're here...", she said gently as she neared the stool close to his bed.

He smiled at her "Peter was here. I had no idea he had privileges here".

Susan counterpointed "I had no idea you were  _here_  for a transplant, either".

Carter smirked as he smoothed the crinkles of his gown "You guys brag about having the best transplant team in the Midwest, after all".

Susan shook her head at him "Oh,  _really_? Spying on the rivals, are we?". She noticed the lines around his eyes and his greying hair "Does your family know?".

Despite not being close in years, Susan  _knew_ Carter. She knew he was probably enduring this alone, so when Benton told her Carter was in pre-op, she  _had_ to come and see him. "Do you want me to call your father? Kem?".

He shook his head and she propped her elbow on his gurney "I can stay here for a while if you want".

Carter smiled at her, raising an eyebrow "I know you're busy. Mike's a big fan, he's very  _impressed_ ".

Susan grimaced a little,  _of course_  Carter was on a first name basis with the hospital administrators "He's so  _creepy_. Keeps making passes at me and he knows Abby...".

Susan then turned silent, not really knowing if Abby was an allowed subject between them.

He just chuckled and shrugged "I think he can't help himself. Abby's doing well at the hospital", he said to signal that it was okay talking about her.

Susan sighed almost imperceptibly "She's so strong, it's a shame she doesn't always see it".

Carter nodded and thought carefully about his next words "I used to think that the only thing greater than Abby's strength was her own darkness... But now... I don't believe it's true anymore".

Carter remembered how they looked at each other a few weeks ago at Ike's, how he had envied them in that moment, how Abby now had that confidence of those who know they are loved.

Susan watched him and placed her hand on his arm "Carter... I'm sorry...". Her green eyes were filled with apologies but Carter patted her hand "There's no need...".

She continued "No,  _really_. I won't say I regret doing what I did... back then I already  _knew_. I was terrified about what I was feeling for her, but I just knew deep inside that she was the one that would change everything, you know? So I couldn't let her go... We should've done things differently because we didn't mean to hurt you...".

He nodded with a sad smile and a distant stare "It was a long time ago... I... thinking about it now, it doesn't really surprise me she chose you over me. I was a bit of a spoiled brat trying to force into sobriety, into what I thought was what she wanted... we didn't really communicate".

Susan knew what he meant "Abby doesn't let a lot of people in... but when she does...". Susan turned quiet, she didn't want to sound like she was bragging.

He adjusted the IV in his arm and stroked his beard "I like to think that it was meant to be... If it wasn't for you and Abby, I might've never met Kem".

"Are you guys together or not?".

She always made him smile and he had missed her mischievous bright eyes "I guess we'll always be together, even if life makes us take separate roads...".

Susan scratched her chin as she pondered his words "You're so  _depressing_. I liked you better when you were a clumsy med student".

"It's a shame we never acted on it", he smirked and she slapped his arm "Shut up".

He sat straighter and laced his fingers behind his neck "We had some good times".

Images of a dumbfound Carter limping into the ER with a plastered leg invaded her mind. She missed those times. She missed Mark, Carol, Doug. She missed Carter too.

She took his hand, deciding that she'd fight for this friendship "You'll pull through this".

* * *

Abby looked at the chip in her hand. So much happened in the last year, it felt more like a  _decade_. Susan mingled with the other patrons and Abby watched her from a distance as she served herself a cup of coffee.

Susan made a point to attend her meetings from time to time. Abby didn't want to admit that she loved having her around, it made everything much easier and less boring. Susan came find her and smiled "I was just talking to Josh. Did you know he owns a bakery shop on Belmont? I said we would drop by with the kids some time".

Over the rim of her cup, Abby smiled at her "You come here once in a while and you're already chummy with everyone...".

Susan grimaced "Is it okay?".

"That's what makes you _you_. My little ray of sunshine...", Abby tried to say casually, like she wasn't  _so_ smitten by her woman.

Susan took the coffee from her hands and took a generous sip, her green eyes shining under her lashes "You're such a sweet talker...".

Abby ignored everyone else around them as she took Susan's other hand, kissed her knuckles "Thank you for saving me, for saving us".

* * *

_Speaking at the White House, Obama said "Americans should be very proud, because small acts of courage slowly made an entire country realize that love is love."_

Abby stared speechless at her TV, the White House lit up in rainbow colors in commemoration of the Supreme Court's decision to legalize same-sex marriage.

They had exchanged vows in France a couple of years ago because Susan had once slipped that, as a girl, she dreamed of getting married in Paris, with the Eiffel Tower and the whole deal, but they knew it was void under the US law.

They never really talked much about it because they never thought it would pass. They had updated their wills so that they were both protected should anything happen, but Abby never thought she would see this kind of decision in her lifetime.

Her phone was now buzzing with texts and emails. Her mother, Jenny, her sponsor. Neela's name invaded the display with a simple question "Are you going to pop the question?!".

When Susan got home with the boys in tow, Abby was still staring at the TV screen. Couples kissed and waved rainbow flags and she was relieved that they finally could take this step if they wanted to.

It suddenly made so much sense.

Susan sat next to her as she kicked out her shoes "Have you heard?", she smiled at the screen.

Joe was whining about wanting to see cartoons but Susan shooed him "Not now". He seemed to sense that whatever was going on was indeed important and he entertained himself with some action figures.

Mark watched his mothers closely, how they smiled quietly at the TV, hand in hand, and he cajoled his younger brother into following him back to their room.

"This is huge", Susan nodded and Abby couldn't take her eyes away from her.

She was starting to get lines around her eyes, but she was also more refined.

She was beautiful, she was her best friend and she was  _hers_.

She sat closer and fingered a lock of hair behind Susan's ear. Their eyes acknowledged the proximity and they melted into each other in a passionate kiss.

Abby smiled against Susan's lips because she knew she'd pop it as soon as they stopped kissing.

Susan sighed as she sank her fingers in luscious hair because she was  _so_  going to say yes.

THE END

 


End file.
